Just a Lazy Day

Here's a picture my cousin took when she so kindly watched Malachi while I took the older boys to their dentist appointments a couple weeks ago.

Today has been exhausting beyond words. I am exhausted in all forms- most of all physically, but also spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and just relationship-wise. I'm not at 100% of anything right now and that's frustrating to me. As much as I read the spiritual books and uplifting sentiments of some of my favorite authors, I can't apply them right now. I feel like I'm so 'out of it' today that I can't even tell if I am feeling better or just making myself miserable because of the grumpy attitude I have. I'm ready for Tuesday to get here and beyond that, I'm ready for the ablation to be done with and beyond that, I'm praying that I'll have an active life again. Until then, I'm off to bed again, thanks to my amazing husband.

Rock Chalk!!!! KU!!!

Yesterday was Kansas's 149th Birthday, so happy belated birthday Kansas! I wore my Jayhawk shirt in celebration of being a Jayhawk. Today is the KU vs. K-State game and I'm positive that the best team will win, whichever one that may be. It will be a great game, but I won't be watching it. For one, I'm exhausted and 2 I'm not sure my heart can take too much excitement and anticipation right now, so I'll wait to see the score at the end.

Three days from now, I will be going to yet another doctor (I guess its a different specialist in Wichita that I was first referred to) and have yet MORE paperwork to fill out before then. As I started to fill it out, (the hundreds of pages) it says, please check the condition if you, a mother, father, or sibling has experienced these conditions- backache, headache, cough, constipation, diareah, fatigue . . . . and it goes on in more depth. But, seriously, how much detail do you want????

A week from today Shawn will be traveling toward Texas for about 8 days to take a course and study for his board exams that he should be taking sometime this spring. I'm a tad bit anxious about his departure because I am not yet strong enough for all the boys by myself, but I'm trying to not focus on that anticipation until the time draws closer. I know that we'll be fine and get through it as sane as we possibly can.

Today, it seems as if we all woke up on the wrong sides of the bed, so hopefully nap time will get here soon. And then this evening. . . ROCK CHALK!!!!!

Waiting. . . Still .. .

Good things come to those that wait, right???? I'm praying that the saying doesn't actually say, "good things come to those that wait patiently". It seems as we've had yet another set-back in my journey toward health and healing. Shawn called our insurance (don't get me going here, I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE insurances) this morning and they were adamant that they would not cover a bit of the expenses incurred with the visit to the KU Med dr because he is not a 'preferred provider'. Well, lets not get going on preferred providers because certainly whoever can get me in the quickest is my preferred provider, but when it comes between $6000+ to visit a non-preferred provider or $40 copay to visit a preferred provider, well, the choice is still a little difficult to make. We don't want it to be about the money and Shawn was really quite frustrated to tell me that news this morning, but its alright.

I've been trying to work as much as I can and keep my endurance up. I went to bed immediately when I got home last night at 5pm. Our babysitter is AMAZING! She kept all the boys and took them to Awanas, so we picked them up at 7:30pm. Zachary talked to us last night about how concerned he is and we tryed to discuss my situation with him in a little more detail so he wouldn't be so worried. That REALLY breaks my heart. I try so hard to stay strong so they don't notice my weakness or lack of energy, but it is very apparent that I'm not as active in their lives. Zach is also very sensitive to things and more receptive than I usually give him credit for.

So, the plan right now is that I will head to the Wichita doctor on Tuesday. My cardiologist is AMAZING! Thankfully he was able to pull some strings to get me in sooner than their supposed earliest opening of Feb. 25th. I'm very confident that this is all part of God's amazing plan to instill more patience in me and so far its going good. I'm trying to stay more positive and hopeful. There is a reason that it didn't work out for me to head to KU Med, and that's alright. I can wait a few more days. . . or I will at least TRY to wait patiently.

I think often of the tortoise and the hare story. I'm not sure how applicable it is to this situation, but I seem to want to hurry up and speed through this process toward healing and health. I can't WAIT to be back to the active mom and teacher that I used to be - and for good reasons. However, making slow progress can sometimes be better, and in God's timing rather than mine. If I sped through the journey I might not have learned as much or discovered as many truths as God would have me learn. So, I'm taking this whole journey in stride and making the best of it, no matter how crummy it seems at the time.


Our boys have taken turns waking up at night the past week and sleeping in our bedroom. I've really enjoyed my mornings with the boys. Malachi is such a spunky little spitfire of a child. He definitely has an attitude about everything and he sure knows he's the spoiled one of the family. He's very sneaky and ornery too. He has tended to be quite mean to his brothers such as pretending to offer them a hug only to go and poke them in the eye! He is a SCREAMER in the van! Its almost intolerable when I have my headache each day. He screams for joy or screams to annoy his brothers or just screams to watch me cringe.

Logan is full of funny things. I can't write them all down. I think we could make a movie if we just left the camcorder on him all day! The daycare provider and us have been trying to teach him his address, phone number and emergency numbers. Last night, I asked him what he'd call if we needed help from the police officers and he said, "1-1-9!" (Did I mention I think he quite possibly has dyslexia.)

Zachary has been a good helper lately. He's also been a bit of an antagonizer with his brothers, getting them in trouble for all sorts of reasons. He is an ornery one too. But, he keeps us on our toes.

Home Photoshop Take 2

Haha! These are still some pictures (unedited remember) from our photo adventure. It was just Logan and Malachi so that I could get some pictures to crop for their birthday invites. Malachi's getting a bit of curly hair in the back. I love that little bugger.

He got mad at the bear after a few pictures.

But, they made up. :)



Always looking for trouble out of the corner of his eye:




I had a great day! I made it through an entire day teaching. Tonight I am more exhausted than usual, but it was worth it. I LOVE my job and the people I work with and yesterday when the doctor told me that I really shouldn't be working until I got my heart fixed was a bit (pardon my pun) heart-breaking! Its not like me to lie in bed and be bored. I HATE HATE HATE bedrest and I LOVE LOVE LOVE teaching! I certainly could pretend its summertime and that I need to be resting and relaxing and enjoying my days off, but I know better than that and I feel a duty and obligation to my students to be a good teacher for them. I may be overestimating myself, but I take ownership in my students and think that I do the best job possible for them, and am not confident in many subs that could take my place. So, I feel like my students need me to be there for them to help them grow and pick up the pace with their class. I don't want to let them down. Teaching is also my life. I am a mother first, yes, but a teacher is ingrained in me and I can't imagine doing anything else. I certainly do NOT want to jeopardize my job because of being absent too often.

On a very exciting and elated note, I was asked to attend the IRA (International Reading Association) in Chicago at the end of April. This was a complete, unexpected surprise and after the day I was having, I contemplated it thoroughly. But, I'm confident that I'll be feeling much better by then and if not, where there is a will THERE WILL be a way! It is such a priveledge to even be asked to attend, let alone have my way paid for, especially with the cuts to budgets in education. I hate to sound corny, but its like a dream come true! So, I have something to focus on and look forward to as a professional and can see that light at the end of the state testing tunnel! :)

Please Play Quietly

This morning as I was getting Malachi ready for heading out the door, I was getting really lightheaded and was a tad bit worried about passing out. We have hard-wood floors in our front room and I was just a little nervous should I hit it. So, I calmly asked my boys, "Do you know what you would need to do if mommy would pass out and hit her head on this floor?" Logan immediately piped up, "Oh, yes mommy! We will play weally quietly." Hmmm . . . . thanks kiddo!

Here area few of the amateur photos from our rainy-day photo-shop. I really need to invest in some photoshop software, but am not sure I have the time or talent to learn how to use it to beautify my pictures. So, for now, this is all ya get! :)




He's blowing me a kiss here.



Today, I got some kind of disappointed, yet kind of expected news. My pectus excavatum is actually contributing to my heart troubles and breathing issues. Its interesting because I went to a different doctor today and her nurse and her second nurse and even she was confused as to what pectus excavatum even was. Then, I showed them the print out I had (from the link above) and the doctor researched my CT scan results from a few years ago and sure enough. . . she agreed with me that it definitely was causing my troubles, but . . . along with the SVT! Then she looked at my chest and was positive that the deformity was playing a role in my inability to breathe. Just as I was starting to suspect, the high amounts of medicine were not going to help when there was that pressure on my chest.

So, where do we go from here!? I'm still miserable tonight, but praising the glorious God I serve. I know He has a reason for this suffering and time I've been bed-ridden, and I think that I will become a much stronger/better person and can't hardly wait! I think about the butterfly that must go through the struggles to get out of its coccoon to become a beautiful/strong insect. We also must go through struggles to become better people and I'm holding strong to that faith that God will give me strength.

I will keep my EP appointment on Friday because more than likely I will still need to have the ablation. I will be taking the MOUNDS of paperwork and testing data to the EP doctor to consult with him about my pectus excavatum as well. Right now, its uncertain what will be done, but the doctor I saw today suggested that it was a possibility that I would need the corrective surgery unless the EP doc thought otherwise. They gave me a referral number to one of the only hospitals closest to home that does that corrective surgery on adults. It is in Baylor, Texas! They're going to contact this Dr. C there and try to put their heads together to see what can and should be done. Its getting very confusing working together with all these doctors. I guess I'm the case-manager in a sense.

I was a little irritated (not a lot, just joking around) that my primary doctor was absent all week. Well. . . .he's in Haiti! Ok, so now, I feel horrible! Who am I to complain!? Seriously???

So, I'm off to bed and am allowed to exert as much energy as I feel comfortable with until I about pass out. Then I need to rest. So, does anyone have any good book suggestions??? :)

The view from my bed this morning

Someone woke up at 2:30am saying, "is it morning time? Can you turn on boy tv?" (boy tv is Disney channel) so we told Logan he could grab a blanket and lie beside our bed until we got up for the morning. Well, he must have hit a tired patch while he was waiting! :)

It's Been a Day

Suzie spent the day copying everything I did. Okay, maybe she didn't copy EVERYTHING, but this is certainly how I spent most of the last couple of days.

I'm not sure what's going on right now. I was doing okay and since Friday have just had an awful time breathing. I'm on 150 mg of Toprol XL. I take one 50 mg pill at breakfast, lunch and supper. I'm on Adivan to help me rest and sleep at nights through the low heart rate. However, somehow I STILL keep waking up around 4am or a little earlier just wide awake. Its incredibly frustrating right now, but I try hard to use those times to be productive and pray. I have many conversations with God and through all this, I'm still convinced He is amazing beyond anything we can imagine and His love for us is unfathomable.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my appointment with my EP doctor. It was one I've waited as patiently as I possibly know how to. However, as I've been in bed this weekend, I've been wondering about the pectus excavatum theory I have. I think I'm on to something. :) My chest does cave in, not severely, but it is quite noticeably caved in and my ribs protrude further making it look like my 'funnel' is deeper. Without gory details, my chest looks bony and anorexic-like, although, I DO eat plenty and MANY times through my day!!! The weird thing is that through all the tests I've been having I haven't specifically asked the doctors to look at my chest deformity. The nurses and techs have hooked me up to all the tests I've done and the doctors have just listened to my heart over my shirt. So. . . I'm wondering about calling and asking my doctor if he thinks that I should have another CT to compare it to the one 3 years ago that first diagnosed my pectus excavatum. My hunch is that its gotten worse, but it would be nice to prove that hunch incorrect. The reason that I wonder about it is that the doctors aren't 100% entirely positive that I have SVT, but they say that most all signs are pointing to that, except for the fact that I have it for LONG amounts of time. Usually someone doesn't go an entire day or week with SVT. Maybe a few minutes or hours, but it usually subsides before long. That's why I'm on such HIGH doses of the medicine right now to control my heart.

I have been taking note that I feel incredibly dizzy/lightheaded/weak when I'm upright. It doesn't matter if I'm just sitting down, but especially if I'm up and moving around. And, for the first time in a few weeks, I'm actually having a very difficult time breathing, even on all the Toprol that I'm taking (which was helping that area tremendously). My heart feels (and looks) like its going to jump out of my chest! The only thing that I've found through this whole time that makes me feel better is to lie on my back or on my left side! My theory is that if my chest/sternum is pressing on my heart it would only feel better when I don't have that pressure which is when I lie down. Why am I just now putting this together???? Part of me wants it to be this so I don't have to worry about something being wrong with my heart. But then part of me hopes that it is indeed SVT since I'm so close to meeting with that doctor and getting it fixed.

I'm going to call tomorrow to see what my doctor thinks and take his opinion regardless (although I do hope he listens to me thoroughly). Shawn said, "don't you think we bug them too much?" And we do love our doctor, his nurses, and receptionist. They are wonderful and soooo kind. But, I have to look out for myself. If they don't hear from me, they're going to assume I'm feeling better and that's not the case. I can't just keep going like this and I refuse to keep feeling like this. I know something can be done to make me have my life back. I just need to figure out what it is. . . . and preferrably SOON!!!! :)

I'm going to TRY to teach tomorrow. I tried to manage on Friday, but my weakness got the best of me and I was incredibly exhausted. I'm praying that I can breathe better tomorrow and that I can make it through the day teaching.

Now, enough about me. . . as that gets old. Here are some pictures from my phone from last week. Malachi and his alligator (or crocodile):

We tell him to "get" the crocodile and he throws it on the floor and tackles it just like Steve Irwin used to! :) It's hilarious.

The View From Here

My boys are gone to western KS where the reports are that they are having a blast and enjoying life at Grandma Chance's house. I'm so thankful they made it safely out there despite the deer that are abundant along the way.

I miss my boys like crazy, but am getting a little more strength back today. I actually got out of bed this morning without about passing out! My head is still spinning and I'm just trying to enjoy the ride without giving in to the nauseous feeling. While I've been in bed, this is my view:

I played around with PhotoBucket's editing program a little bit and as you can see, I labeled some of the very important parts of my bedside dresser.

Exhibit A: One of the MOST important parts- my note card holder, aka- my Prayer Box. One the outside of the little box, I've written many of the Bible verses that contain why prayer is so powerful and important. On the inside are notecards with prayer requests and notes on those about how those prayer concerns are going. Remember, our prayers are always answered, but it may not be in OUR timing or in the way WE think it should be.

Exhibit B: My wonderful, spectacular, amazing husband brought me a flower last week. He knows I HATE roses with a passion (there's a long story behind that). The red carnation was just my style- plain, frugal, and thoughtful! The note was the most thoughtful part as he wrote that he was with me through this no matter what. I hate feeling like a burden to him and just a pain in his side, but he is an amazing person and I could only pray that I'd be as patient and strong should he need me some day. In the background is my blood pressure and heart rate monitor, which, well, I didn't want to mark as an exhibit because I'm hoping it will get put in storage soon once my heart gets fixed!

Exhibit C: Ah. . . . it was like divine intervention when I was having an awful day a few days ago and our door opened and Whola! (can you hear the harps??) boxes and boxes of girl scout cookies arrived at my door. I'd ordered many boxes months earlier as many people decided we looked like a nice cookie-eating family and it was just the most perfect timing for them to arrive when I have plenty of time to consume them. :) Peanut Butter Patties are my favorite!

Exhibit D: A new book I'm reading to expand my horizons. I joined a book study group here in town to kinda be able to have some girl talk and to grow spiritually. We do a bible study as well as a book study and so far its been wonderful. The book that we are reading right now is Number 1 Lady Dective Agency. It certainly is NOT one that I'd pick up on my own to read, but I'm already flying through it as it is very interesting, comical and has many lessons. Hopefully I can review it when I finish it so you all can decide if its a book you'd like to read as well. I'm also open for book suggestions. As much as I've been in bed and resting, I am sooo open to new ideas. I just need to have motivation to FINISH the books I start.

And that brings me to Exhibit E: This is my mountain of books I need to read for school (especially one my aunt loaned me- How the brain learns to Read), a pile of magazines that have arrived in the mail the past few months and I just haven't splurged into yet and of course, my Bible that gets me through some of my disheartening and depressing moments. The way it is the living word is so evident in that I can open it up and start reading and feel like what its saying to me pertains exactly to my situation right now, taking on a new meaning from what I'd gotten when I'd read those verses previously. Its so amazing and addictive.

MAD!!!!!

I made it through 1 hour of school today. That makes me MAD!!! I'm soooo tired of how this medicine and whatever I have is affecting my life. I started to get mad last night as I came home from a full day of teaching only to have a bowl of beef stew, a box of girl scout cookies (ok, maybe not the WHOLE box), and head to bed. At 5pm, as I tried to keep my eyes open and keep my head from the spinning it was doing, I listened to my boys screaming and running through the house, playing. I hated that I was in bed, literally not having the physical ability to watch them. I tried to sit on the couch in the middle of their playing area and Malachi was trying to climb on me which was painful with how weak I am. I'm mad that because of how much medicine I'm on that my energy is spent teaching and my children are neglected. I want so much to be able to do both. I don't like choosing. I love my job and I definitely love my family.

Yesterday, we got a letter in the mail from Cypress Heart stating that my appointment with them was on Feb. 25th rather than this coming Monday, January 25th like was written on the fax they sent Shawn. Thankfully, I have a very amazing husband, and he called my cardio nurse and she got me into KU Med next Friday. So a bit longer of a wait, but definitely not a whole month to wait! My doctors here have done all they can as far as keeping me alive and comfortable until I see the next doctor. I just need to have patience and hope that I can start building strength in the meantime.

An interesting side-note along with this is the fact that a few years ago (back in 2006), I was diagnosed with pectus excavatum. I had a CT done that confirmed it and the doctor told me that it could possibly get worse, which I would notice if I had more difficulty breathing. Well, I mentioned this to an on-call doctor we saw shortly after my hospital visit back in December. He blew it off, suggesting it didn't have anything at all to do with what was going on with me. However, after laying in bed and researching it again (it'd been a few years since I really thought about it, although there's no mistaking it by looking at myself in the mirror everyday) I told Shawn to ask one of my doctors about it. They said it certainly had relevance and would make a lot of sense because if there's not a lot of room between the sternum and backbone to begin with and my sternum is 'caving in' to create pressure on my heart, than my heart will have tachycardia and have a harder time functioning. So, as I try to piece my own puzzle together as I wait on doctors, I'm wondering if its not SVT (which they've kinda been skeptical about, but unsure what else to call the periods of rapid heartbeats) but actually this pectus excavatum. I have WAY more difficulty when I'm in an upright position (which is all day long) and it seems to get better when I lie down, which would make sense because my heart wouldn't be pushing into my sternum then, as it'd have a little more room to move. That's just my bit of extra information that I'd been tossing around in the conscious moments I have had lately.

My boys are looking forward to this weekend as much as I'm dreading it. Shawn's cousin is getting married out in Colby and they are going to spend the weekend at Grandma's and visiting family. The boys are really excited about it. After how I felt yesterday, I had to bow out. I really really really HATE not being with my family. I just don't have the strength right now to travel and be up and going so much. My head spins and I am constantly about to fall over. I think Malachi (and possibly Logan) will be going to my mom's for some play time with her. I'm praying that Shawn has safe travels, the boys are on the most excellent behavior they have and that I can actually stay sane as I stay at home missing them terribly. I am upset that I can't go, because we do everything together and this isn't like us to not be a 'family'. I really weighed the options last night as I debated back and forth and trying to be realistic, I know that right now, the way I'm feeling, I don't have the energy.

Spinning Around

The past few days have felt like I'm sitting on a merry-go- round and its spinning 100 miles an hour. Its invigorating as a kid to get the whirling feeling and then step off and spin/stumble around until you fall and regain your balance so you can do it all over again. I'm not quite there yet. I'm still stumbling around, feeling the unbalance and spinning. I feel disoriented, like with perceptions of when I go to write on paper and my spacing is off or I go to turn the corner in the hallway and miss it a little, just to hit my shoulder on the corner. Thank God it hasn't yet affected my driving. I'm heading to bed immediately. I left school as soon as I could (just a little early) so that I could pick Zach up since his babysitter is having the icky flu stuff. We certainly do NOT need that right now at our house. We've been so blessed to be very healthy lately.

I need to stay out of bed for a few more hours so I can get some pictures of Malachi's new bike. He has some hilarious things going on right now. First of all, he loves his alligator from Uncle Rylan. I could post a whole post about it, but simply stated, its a plastic alligator that grows as big as a bathtub if we leave it there in water (for a few weeks). Then it will shrink again and grow and shrink as much as we want it to. Well, we never let it grow because we do enjoy using our bathtub and staying clean, so Malachi plucked it out of the tub and carries it around the house. When we tell him to get the alligator, he throws it on the floor and throws himself on it like he's wrestling with it. Soooo Steve Irwin-ish! :) Last night, he slept with the alligator on his chest. It was soo cute. I need to get some pictures of that.

We also bought him a bike for his birthday (in March). It was on sale after Christmas and it was a perfect match for him since he LOVES bikes. We made a pact to hide it from him, but Shawn and I should have known that neither of us can keep a secret from each other or our kids (sometimes). Well, Shawn carried it in the house and immediately Malachi saw it and WANTED it! We tried to distract him with his alligator but he saw the closet that Shawn put the bike in. He pulled Shawn's hand and pointed in the closet. The door was kinda creaked open (not on purpose) and Malachi pried the door open and tried to climb in to get to the bike. We decided that it was a battle not fighting. The bike was on sale for about $20, so it wasn't much different than some of the splurges have on our other 2 boys. So, Shawn put the bike together, beside a very excited toddler and it is now officially Malachi's house bike. I do need to take pictures of it, but since I don't have pictures with him and the bike or the alligator, I do have pictures of him in Logan's new truck:





G'Nite to all! :) (yes, at 4:30pm)

I Want Patience. . . .NOW!!!!

I will flat out admit that I'm NOT a patient person . . . .well, most of the time. I'm a live-in-the-moment, for the day, do-things-now type of person. I know I'm not the only one like this and I know that there are always pros and cons about everything, so I certainly know there are worse things in life than being impatient, but its just been on my mind a lot lately as I've been waiting. . . and waiting. . . and waiting. . .


A lot of you might have heard the story of when we found out we were pregnant with Zachary. It was shortly after we got married and while we should have expected it, there were many reasons that we'd never have expected for me to be pregnant, one of which was a doctor that had told me it'd basically be impossible for me to get pregnant. So, imagine the shock (but utter happiness) when we found out at a VERY young age that we were pregnant. I was in the middle of college. It wasn't part of our nice little plan that we wanted to be married 5 years, graduate college, buy a house, have secure jobs, etc. Here we were, broker-than-broke, full-time workers and students in college, thankfully with good health insurance through the hospital Shawn was working for at the time, and up to our ears in STRESS. As happy as we were to have a child together, we were also wondering, why!? As we did our devotionals it became clear that it was about God's timing rather than our own. God gifted us a child when we thought we were not quite ready for one (but when I say this, it was by no means an accident), but in His will, it was His perfect timing. At the time, we wondered how in the world it would work and now we can see the most perfect of plans in place as we had Zachary the summer after Shawn graduated, allowing him to still work a full-time job AND stay home with our baby as I finished school. We quickly became pregnant with Logan and I graduated shortly before I had him- with honors! It CAN be done. God has a most perfect plan, even if we're not always sure of how its going to be laid out and put together.


So, as God has used big examples in my life of saying, "Yo! Shauna! You're NOT in charge! It's MY destiny for your life and its MY will you need to be pursuing! Stop worrying about when things will happen or how they'll happen! Just know that everything happens for a reason whether you know it now or not." As a self-proclaimed impatient person, it is VERY difficult to understand sometimes why the journey is so slow or drawn out. I don't like taking part in things that I don't fully understand or have a reason for. It is frustrating to me and I don't have the tolerance for. I'm alright waiting for things when I know WHY I have to wait or if I'm given a specific time-line for how long I'll be expected to wait.


Lately, I've been on my last nerve with WAITING on doctors. Its a very frustrating thing for me to know that about a week and a half ago, they decided I should have an ablation and I'm STILL waiting on the call for referral. In the meantime, I'm the one suffering (although not as bad as it has been, but still miserable at times). The doctors are humans, with only so many hours in the day and families to take care of, but it does irk me just a tad how much I've paid them and they haven't been more proactive in making me feel better. I'm a teacher, a mom, a wife, a friend. . . and I want to be those things again at the energy-level that I should be able to as young as I am. Sometimes I feel forgotten or pushed to the back of the line because I'm not a thorn in their sides until I get this taken care of. I understand we had a holiday this weekend, but don't understand why a 5 minute phone call couldn't have been made before they left for the weekend just so I could have peace of mind knowing when my "healing" would be coming. So. . . tonight. . . I'm still waiting. . . practicing trying to be patient!

Today was a test of patience. I woke up at 2:30 am with a LOW heart rate. While I am exhausted today beyond words, I want to say how thankful I am that my body DOES wake me up when my heart rate gets dangerously low. The alternative is not pleasant to think about so I'll take a tired, worn out, very exhausting day over that. I don't want to sound complaining at all, but today was a difficult day with it starting out so early. It's 4:30pm right now and I am literally off to bed after a quick supper. I had a meeting all day today that was AWESOME and informative, but my head hurt and eyes burned from the higher dose of the Toprol that I was miserable and just wanted to cry. After many phone calls and rounds about, I do have an appointment Monday in Wichita. Originally, I called my dr and they were a bit surprised I hadn't already gotten in to the EP doc (in Wichita). So, I called my cardio dr's nurse and she said she already put the referral in and they said they'd call me. Nope! Not a word from Cypress (the clinic I'll be going to)! So, I called. . . left a message. . . . called again (and again) and got answering machines. I gave Shawn the number and he called. March 3rd was the 1st available opening. He told the cardio dr and that dr said, no we're not waiting that long. He pulled some strings and I'm in on Monday. I just wanted to crawl in bed and die if I had to feel like this until March 3rd!!!! I can only endure sooo much. Sorry, but I'm not a strong person.

So, please keep praying that it will start to get better. I cannot decrease the Toprol for now, so have to hope my heart rate doesn't get dangerously low too much. My poor hands look like marshmallows in the morning from the lack of circulation! On top of it, I'll be starting another couple of meds to help control the side effects such as waking up in the middle of the night with the startling and alertness. Its like being an insomniac- I want to sleep sooo bad, but my body is recovering from the low heart rate.

I'm missing my boys like crazy! Their smiles brighten my day and encourage me to keep going even when I just want to cry because I'm sooo miserable. They have an amazing ability to bring happiness even in their more unpleasant moments.

Dentist Appointments

Today, Zach, Logan and I had dentist appointments to get our teeth cleaned and checked. All reports were okay, well. . . sorta. Zach's got the beginning of what could be a cavity, so we're going to get it taken care of ASAP. Logan did WONDERFUL for his 1st visit for a cleaning. He'd had "happy visits" before and it took him a bit to get used to the office without breaking into tears. So, I'm counting today's visit as a success for him.


Malachi decided today that he'd fight naptime, which would have been alright had I not been so exhausted, but with the higher dose of Toprol, I needed a nap! He screamed, laughed, fought and wriggled. Finally, I gave up! I got out of bed, left him there, checked on some things on the computer and when I went back to check on him (less than 10 minutes later) he was sound asleep. But, its too late for a nap for me, so I'll just hit the sack early tonight. I'm feeling better today, but can definitely feel the side effects of the medicine. Shawn talked to the cardio dr today and he is putting in the referral today for the ablation in Wichita. So, we're just WAITING (something I'm HORRIBLE at) until we get word of when that will be. (I have a WHOLE 'nother blog post about the waiting issue. Its been heavily on my mind lately.)

My Mommy Loves Me

Logan is OBSESSED with love! We went from hearing "I lub you mommy!" every couple minutes to him asking us, "Do you love me? Do you still love me? How much do you love me? Do you love me now? What about now? What about now?" I was a bit conflicted. I am not anti-love at all, so don't get me wrong here, but I think this kid was throwing the word around a bit too much and too often (if that is at all possible). I didn't want him to get the wrong idea either because I think its great to let people know often enough how much you love them, but, uhm. . . how much is too much????

Logan's latest obsession is asking over and over and over and over "do you love me mommy?" And, as much as it kills me to not be sarcastic just once and say, "nope, I'm all out. Sorry. You asked me one to many times!" I just can't do that to the tender-hearted little boy. But, I want him to understand that my love for him is never-ending and never-failing, NO MATTER WHAT! I found this shirt in his closet. (He's had it for quite awhile. In fact, it might just have been Zach's at one time.) I made him read it to me and for the longest time, he kept saying, "your mommy loves you"

Yesterday, Shawn spilled a container of dog food all over the back room floor. Logan came upstairs and saw the mess and he said, "Oh SHOOT!!!!" Shawn said, "Logan, that's really not nice to be saying." As they started to clean the mess up together, Logan said, "Well, daddy, is it okay if I say HOLY QWAP?" He says that he heard that from me, but I'm doubtful of that. Hmmmm. . . .

Tomorrow we will have some dentist appointments for cleanings. This will be Logan's very first actual cleaning after being able to "pass" 2 happy visits. I'm praying extra hard that he'll survive the visit without tears. He's getting better about doctors appointments but still a little skiddish. Unfortunately his next check up will require shots, so that'll sure do him in, but he'll survive.

I'm praying that I'll have a referral tomorrow or hear SOMETHING about when I can be scheduled for the ablation. I'm back at 125mg of the Toprol (which I blog so I can sort of remember). Besides the short set-back last night and this morning (mainly catching up from how hard it knocked me out last night), I'm doing great and had another great day. I do still have the welts on my belly, but they are getting less definite and less itchy. I can't take Benedryl anymore because (come to find out) that also exaggerates the Toprol side-effects which could have been why my heart rate dropped so low last night. I'll keep you posted with more information as I know it. I do appreciate the prayers. They've helped tremendously so far!

Complaints

Yesterday I felt wonderful so I took some pictures of my soon-to-be birthday boys (Logan and Malachi). I am really wishing I had an amazing camera, some exceptionally wonderful photography skills, and a Photoshop program right now, but since I have none of those, I just have an untouched, amateur photo of Mr. Logan:

Last night, after a fabulous day of getting so much done around my house, I had a bout of SVT for a few hours. I posted about it on Facebook, stating how exhausting it was to break out in SVT, finally get to sleep around midnight and then wake up at 4am because of low heart rate! URGH! But, despite the lack of sleep, I did say I was determined to have yet another fabulous day. Well, one of my "friends" commented to me that it was quite unproductive or positive to constantly be updating my status with how I was doing because no one really wanted to hear me complain. Plus, if I kept focusing on my "pains" then I wouldn't focus on healing. It was a nice, blunt, friendly comment. We all need "friends" like that to keep us in check, but frankly this person isn't as well in tune with me as most of my friends.

Do I enjoy complaining??? No! I think its annoying, negative and definitely quite unproductive. I get frustrated when others complain, especially if it is habitual and also cannot stand whining!

So, why do I complain then???? Honestly, I try not to complain as much as I try to tell it like it is! I have many people that are gracious enough to be supportive in prayer for me through this journey and I feel as if I need to let them know how I'm doing in a truthful, honest way so they can direct their prayers as specific as they'd like. I very much believe in the power of prayer and the comfort that comes from knowing that your name and your issues are being lifted up to God by so many people.

I also try to tell it like it is because a lot of people (including my amazing husband) do not quite understand what I'm going through. I do have some friends with SVT that are my heart-buddies, especially closer right now as I'm leaning on them for understanding since they've been there and know what I'm dealing with. But, for the most part, people have experienced a little of this or a little of that, but we're all unique in our own ways, so I'm telling my story, the good, the bad, and the awful, as well as the wonderful parts. Right now, its not as pretty as it could be. That's not the whole story. . . keep reading. . . its only a chapter of it. . . it hasn't always been this awful. I haven't always been this exhausted or weak or grouchy or. . . (you get the point). I "complain" because I want to explain so that people can have empathy and understand it. And, by empathy, I'm not meaning that I want pity or to feel sorry for, because that is the last of it. I want people to know how I feel so they can understand that when I turn down lunch dates, supper fun, chats on the phone, its because I'm honestly out of energy and not because of anything on their part. By having empathy, we can have understanding!

I'm also a very "live-out-loud", honest, bold person that puts it out there whether you like it or not. I am so very thankful to live in a country that allows such freedom of speech, although I would hate to think that what I'm writing infringes on others' beliefs, but I do understand the uniqueness of individuals and the right to have opinions. So, that being said, I do put how I'm feeling rather than how I'd prefer to be feeling. If you'd like me to wait and blog only on cheery days, how in the world would that ever be effective in understanding who I am or what I'm about? I have an amazing life! I have the most amazing husband the Lord could possibly find for me, 3 beautiful, spunky children that light up my life, and most importantly, a belief in my Savior that is the rock in all I go through! I try to never lose sight of those wonderful blessings in my life. So, just because I'm grouchy and exhausted by this battle I've been fighting does not mean that I am not as satisified with my life or am not staying positive.

In fact, if you want to talk about staying positive, I'd like to refer you to my Facebook status this morning. I woke up with extremely dry eyes that were indescribable painful. I was at an exhaustion level that was overcoming my desire to do anything and had a lot of trouble breathing this morning. But in the same status, I said how thankful I was that I did wake up this morning, because that in itself is a gift from God that many of us take for granted! I try to savor each and every breath God gives me, no matter how I'm feeling. We take so much for granted and I'll be one of the first to admit that. When I "complain" that I'm sooo exhausted (which is often, I'm sorry), I understand that there are many many people out there that are wearier than I am. Many people in a coma, in ICU, or just with ailments that make them unable to even get out of bed. So, in that perspective, I'm sooooo very thankful that in my utter exhaustion, I can function at a semi-normal level to allow me to be a mom, wife, and friend. I'm not trying to compare myself to anyone else or try to earn a medal for anything. I'm just stating it as it is for the friends that truly care.

So, with that, I kindly took my "friend" off of my status-feeds so that my statuses of health-related issues would no longer "annoy" them. I do feel that I could do a better job at staying positive through this and am very sorry for how weak I've been in that. I want to just use the excuse and say that in my tiredness, I don't have time in my foggy brain to maintain a positive focus, but that's pretty lame if you ask me and I HATE HATE HATE excuses!!!! So, when I "complain" I am trying to simply state how I'm doing as well as let you know (my wonderful friends) when I need a little more uplifting and prayer.

Success!

Decreasing meds last night was a SUCCESS! So, if I maintain at the current dose, I'll be on 100mg/day which is well under the 200mg, but still way over the 25mg recommended dose. The Toprol has been making me wake up at random hours in the night being WIDE AWAKE for a few hours, yet not being able to make myself get back to sleep. So, I called to see if I could take Tylonal PM or something like that to help me sleep and they said based on the reasons I was taking the Toprol, it would exaggerate the side-effects making me have an even lower blood pressure, which is NOT a good thing since I'm not taking the Toprol for blood pressure. Since the Holter monitor showed my heart rate getting too low at night, my doctor told me to start decreasing the meds as much as I could tolerate with the option of increasing if I needed to. So far though, I'm happy to say I am doing great! I still have the non-stop headache that Toprol gives me as well as an over all fatigue and exhausted feeling, but I haven't broke out in SVT like I had before when I was trying to wean off the meds.

I am pretty sure I did have an allergic reaction to the adhesive that was used on this latest Holter monitor. Last night, I STILL had the welts and splotches all over my chest, especially where the leads were. I've never had that before, so it was quite interesting to me to have that reaction. I did notice that yesterday when we gave Zachary his allergy shots and he bled a little, we gave him band-aids and he did develop a sort of rash right around the band-aid. We always contributed it to the shots, but he doesn't break out each time he gets the shots, just certain times. Thinking back, I'm wondering if he also might have a bit of sensitvity to adhesives. Hmmmm . . . . ????? I do appreciate my cousin Chris that suggested that because I am pretty sure that's what it was and its nice to know I'm not the only one! :)

Today, I've been using as much energy as I can while I have it. I have a dull headache, but am trying hard to get things caught up around my house. It is an utter, total disaster!!!! I've tried a little to maintain housekeeping, and Shawn tries (a little) bless his heart. But, I have a bit of different expectations for a clean house than the 5 boys that I live with so getting back to the level of cleanliness that I prefer is taking a lot more effort than I have right now. I'm trying to focus on one room at a time, but at this rate, might never finish! :)

We're also in the midst of figuring out Logan's birthday party. I'm thinking less hassle=a more sane mother! So, I'm thinking we'll just do a pizza party with some side dishes. The Mexican fiesta we had for Zach's birthday was fun, but it was a LOT of work and right now, I'm not sure I'm up for it. I've got to get pictures taken of Logan and get them printed for his invitations. I am thinking we're going to have more of a family/friends party again rather than friends/little kids party. Of course, a lot of our friends and family do bring their kids which are the ones we'd more than likely invite anyway if Logan were just having a kiddie party. I just like having family included and more adult entertainment like card playing, conversation, etc. while the kids play.

The boys have been playing nicely in their everyday clothes today. They turned these chairs upside down and are reading books this morning:

Annual Chance Family Football Game

Every fall or whenever we get together for our Chance Family Christmas, Shawn and his brothers and cousins have a football game. I guess its a way of them reliving the memories or whatnot from the "good 'ol days" but its kinda gotten a lot shorter and a lot slower as all the guys age a bit. Zach and Logan took part in it this year, sort of. They kinda had their own game of tag going on during (and alongside) the game.






I'm rooting for the shortie! :)

Sorry about not posting last night. We headed to town immediately after I got home from school to get to the doctors before they closed. I took off the monitor and all the little leads that had been scratchier than he** all day. Well, when I took the huge wrap off around my chest that was holding all the wires on, I had welts and bumps all over! The welts were even larger when I took the leads off of the 5 little spots. I have NO idea what was going on, but it sure made me miserable. I put some benedryl cream on them last night and it helped a little, but they're still blotchy this morning. I just feel kinda like, what in the world else can go on right now!? :)

We also went to Target to get more meds (YEAH, since you know how much I love those). As soon as we got home, I ate some tacos with the boys and then headed to bed. I don't remember anything past 7pm when I crawled in bed. That's how incredibly exhausted I was! This morning, the doctor called Shawn (who has been a wonderful medical advocate for me) and told him that the results from yesterday looked alright. I didn't have as high of heart rate as previously (since I'm on so much medicine) but it got way too low during the night, so he'd really like me off of it as as soon as possible. Tonight, I'll try to take 1/2 a pill less. Of course, last time that happened. . . . ugh. . . must I remember. So, I'm praying that all goes well and I'll soon get into the EP doctor in Wichita for the ablation. It can't happen soon enough. I am soooo tired and frustrated at the waiting game with doctors. They have no idea how exhausting and tiring this has been and I'd just like to have my life and energy back. My family doc (that read the heart monitor results) requested that Shawn have the cardio doc put in the referral to Wichita. Well, the cardio doc is on vacation this weekend. So. . . .it'll be at least Monday, at the earliest, now before I find out when I can have the ablation.

In case you're wondering, an ablation is a pretty minor procedure nowadays. Click on the word ablation for more information about it. I'd greatly appreciate prayers as I continue on this journey toward treatment and healing.

In a bit more exciting news, my boys are just about as comical as it gets. This morning, I thought Malachi was done with his cereal, so I went to take it off his highchair tray and he started growling at me (no joke!). It was JUST like something a hungry dog would do! I just had to laugh because I guess its his way of letting me know to not touch his food! :)

Malachi is also quite independent lately, which is possibly a side-effect or growth opportunity because of my lack of being able to do everything for him all day. He is getting quite skillful at pushing chairs around the kitchen, piling things on the chairs, climbing to dangerous heights and retrieving chips to eat. No need to bother mama, to ask for permission, since she just might have a heart attack upon seeing the dangerous adventures!!!

Zachary and Logan are playfully mastering the Mario Bros Game on the Wii. Last night as I watched them, they were repeatedly killing each other off (that sounds more awful than it is) and Zachary told Logan, "I'm really mad at you right now, but I'm not going to hurt you yet because I want to finish this game." Hmmm . . .

We have today and Monday off, so I'm thoroughly enjoying my "restful" time home with my boys.