Justice and Revenge

While these pictures are a few years old, this seems to be my life lately. . . . . .

Kids crying, screaming, yelling, fighting. . . . not getting along. And on top of that. . . . TATTLING! Oh how I despise tattling- you know, that whiny voice, pity party tattling.

It definitely doesn't help to have children with emotional difficulties that have a difficult time controlling themselves. That adds to the stress of the our family and disciplining. The siblings don't understand and it often just leaves us all completely exhausted at the end of the day.

Well, I have often learned in parenting that the struggles we are facing often are God's way of speaking to us. In reflecting lately, trying to figure out what in the world to do with my children- do I allow tattling or do I teach them to fight back? What exactly is tattling and how do I teach my kids that? How do I teach my kids not to take matters into their own hands? Grrrr.. . . parenting is SOOOO difficult.

In my quiet times, I have noticed that I have had hurt on my heart from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. And when that hurt happens it is my human nature to wish they would understand the hurt they have caused. Whether it is someone that has been rude to me, it is my reaction to want to be rude back to them. I believe it is a natural human reaction to want justice in our human terms and understanding. However, when we become a Christian, we live in a spiritual world and for our Savior, who ultimately paid the price for our selfish sins. We put away past hurts and our human nature in exchange for living non-conformed to this world. (It is so much easier to type or say that than to actually live it out!)

God tells us to pour our hearts out to Him. He knows our hearts but He still wants us to tell Him our hurts and struggles. He is our FATHER- a loving, caring father. There is nothing too small for Him to care about in our lives. Since God is our example as a parent, I should also graciously listen to my children's struggles, no matter how petty or small. I once was told that if I'm not there to listen to my children for the small things they would not count on me to listen to them with the big things in life. However, in the midst of the screaming and fighting, it often can just be overwhelming and easy to just dismiss my children and say- enough!? Fix your own problems! I am cooking supper!

However, often I have found myself disciplining my children for hitting each other, because the other sibling hit them first. However, they were the ones caught- not the sibling that started it. Trying to teach children about justice is soooo difficult. I mean, it is a subject most of us struggle with if we really are true to our hearts about it.

In my quiet time, God put this scripture on my heart:

Romans 12:

9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

“I will take revenge;
    I will pay them back,”[g]
    says the Lord.

20 Instead,

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
    If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
    burning coals of shame on their heads.”[h]

21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

My kids often say, "well why aren't you grounding him? Why doesn't he get in trouble?" And in handling discipline, I try to be fair, but also, I often know more than my children about the situation or the circumstances, which is why I dish out the disciplines as I do. I expect my children to trust me that whether they think it is fair or not, I have it handled. God expects the same from us- TRUST! When someone wrongs us, it is NOT for us to succumb to our selfish, sinful nature and want revenge on them. It is our job as Christians to LOVE that person and allow God to discipline them because ultimately, He knows the WHOLE story. As I watch my children struggle with trusting me to be fair in discipline, I also know that I need to fully trust my heavenly father that He has a justice that surpasses my human understanding.

It's quite amazing how screaming and fighting kids can teach me a lesson about my relationship with my heavenly Father. I thank Him for reaching my heart and helping me learn how to TRUST Him more in my hurts. 

Back to Blogging

It has been almost exactly two years since my last blog entry. I used to LOVE blogging. Of course, that was before Facebook became the rage and I could post all our daily happenings and pictures there. However, in the past couple weeks, it has been put on my heart to start writing again- to start capturing my thoughts and memories for my family.

So much has happened in the past two years. . . . many many blessed events, and also some heart break and learning lessons. I love reading back through blog posts and I especially enjoy looking back through the pictures of our lives. I miss writing. I miss communicating my heart. Many had warned me how much I "wear my heart on my sleeve" and how I maybe share too much at times. My family is more of a private, reserved bunch. However, I want to bring God glory in my life and so I want to expose my weaknesses to bring Him glory. In fact, my Bible verse this year is: 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 :  9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

In knowing that I am a REAL person with REAL feelings, REAL struggles, and REAL faith, I hope to bring God glory for the MANY things He is doing and has done in my life. 

A Very MOVING Concert

Wow! I guess some people DO read the blog instead of just checking out the pictures! :) What's all this chatter about us moving???? Hold on and I'll try to explain. . . . although its still VERY premature in the details and not a certain thing yet. Right now, we consider it a serious and thoughtful prayer consideration. Since Sunday, I have read through Jonah (4 chapters, so fairly short) in about 5-6 different Bible versions (nice thing about having the Bible ap on my phone) and I'm still highly prayerful and curious about God's plans.

The other evening we went to the most amazing concert any Christian could want to go to. I actually bought the tickets over the summertime. At the concert was: Jason Gray, Toby Mac, Third Day (my all-time favorite band EVER), Michael W. Smith, and Max Lucado (my most favoritest author ever)!!!!! Talk about a line-up! And tickets- only $25 a piece! Well, we did get the "cheap seats" in the nose-bleed section.

This is the whole "moving" story. When I was in high school, my dream was to be a missionary in a Spanish-speaking country. I took 3-4 years (can't remember now) of Spanish and was pretty fluent in it. I even read my devotionals from a Spanish Bible and memorized the verses in Spanish as well. After high school, I started college and got smitten by the cutest boy ever- Mr. Shawn Chance. He swept me off my feet before I could second-guess my desire to become a missionary and travel.We had discussed the thought of going into missions as a team after we graduated and before we had kids and "settled down". Then God had different plans. He gave us beautiful kids and we considered that a very blunt and specific sign that we were meant to raise them here and be grounded here in Kansas.

However, in the past few months, the Bible verses about feeding the hungry and giving water to the thirsty that are found in Matthew have resounded over and over in our lives and in our studies. Also, some things in our careers have made us pray for specific signs of what God wants us to do and we are pretty sure we've discerned the decision He wants for us regarding those. However, I cannot be any more specific about those matters at this time because of how public this blog is.
So, we went to this concert, and saw Third Day, performing with Michael W. Smith:

My favorite author Max Lucado:


Michael W. Smith

So. . . . back to the story about moving. . . to be continued. . . . .

Just kidding. So, remember those cheap seats???? As we climbed the tortuous stairs to get to them, there was a ticket-holder standing there before our last flight of stairs upward. She said, "We didn't sell out so we have these great tickets down closer to the stage if you'd like to trade your tickets." (And since there was just two of us.) So, we took the new/better tickets and went happily to the "better" seats. As we sat down, we realized we were in a bit of an "open" section. It wasn't really filling up too fast and the section we'd been in was. However, we just didn't think much of it. Then, this lady sat down right by me (shawn hogs the aisle seats every time). I'm not naturally a talkative person, so I sat quietly and politely. She had her popcorn and water. I did wonder why she sat directly by me when there were PLENTY of seats open all around us. As they all started to fill in, she began a conversation with us. She said she had just been in Manhattan for the last few weeks helping take care of her new grandbaby. Shawn made the connection that he worked there at the hospital and they started talking about jobs. That's when she told us that she was a missionary that had done missions in Thailand and China and some other places I can't remember. We both exclaimed how cool that was and that at one point in time that was something we had considered. Then she told us that we still could. We said, "well, we have 3 kids." She said that she had 3 kids too and that her youngest was about 4 years old when they started their missionary experience and her kids are so thankful to have been raised knowing how fortunate they were because of witnessing and experiencing what others have (and don't have) in their lives. We talked for what seemed like a LONG time and then all through intermission and then again a little at the end of the concert. It was a rare, very coincidential experience, but with God, I don't believe in luck or coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason.

On the ride home, we were tired and possibly delirious, but we decided that we would VERY seriously consider being missionaries and opening our hearts to where God wanted to send us. I'm about the most skiddish person about traveling, especially with kids. I'm so concerned about safety and have so many unknowns about it, but somehow with this situation, God seems to have calmed my fears and I know that where He sends us we WILL go. We are praying together for a DEFINITE (not subtle) sign that God wants us to do more than financially support others doing the feet work of the gospel. IF that means moving to another country for awhile, we are now more open to that than we were 9 years ago than when we had seriously considered it for the first time.

I just wish the book of Jonah had more insight to offer than being swallowed by a whale. That's not making any connections with me right now. :)

We appreciate the continued prayers concerning our "situation" and our health. This life, we're just passing through and its such a short amount of time so we want to make sure we do all we can to glorify and bring knowledge about the God we serve.

Choices

Currently, I've been spending a lot of time . . . . resting. I started a "symptom journal" so I could track my good days and bad days. I hope its helpful and I hope I can focus on the "good" parts of my day. I appreciate the prayers. Right now, I wish I could say that things had greatly improved, but I am taking it little by little. I did make it to church today- dizzy and lightheaded, but still nonetheless there.

I've read a bunch of great devotional books lately, but the one I currently decided to pick up and read (it'd been sitting in my pile for awhile now of books I should get to) is "8 Choices That Will Change a Woman's Life". The excerpt to it is here: Based on the wisdom of the book of James, this book offers simple guidelines for life's complex choices. You can choose to have a life that is happy, blessed and pleasing to God. These qualities are within your grasp, but you will have choices to make. It's up to you. This insightful book will give you the tools you need to make choices that will change your life--for good!

The first chapter is about the choice of "pain". I never knew that was a choice before, so I enjoyed reading about it and understanding that although I physically am in pain, I have a joy that exceeds that because I have a heavenly Father that will heal me. We have a choice to RESIST pain or to USE it. Its not a choice to have it or not. Because would that even really be a choice? James says (based on the Phillips version)- "When the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don't try to squirm out of your problems. For when your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything, strong in character, ful and complete." (James 1:3-4)

I have mentioned MANY times on here that I very much lack the virtue of patience. After reading this first chapter, I wondered if God is telling me to slow down, and work in His time rather than MY time. I want to be healed NOW today, yesterday, but NOW. He says, "there is a reason and someday you will understand, but for now, have patience and faith." So, I'm trying to learn to be patient. Honestly, I am so worn out, I almost have no choice but to be patient because I feel too exhausted to do anything but that. But, I am not so sure that patience=rest. So, that is an issue I will be further exploring and meditating in God's word to understand what it is that I should do and what path is right for me at this point in my journey toward healing.

Basically, our doctors are kinda at the end of their ropes as well with this disease and not sure what to do. Thankfully, they have the bed-side, wise manner to tell us that and be open to other sources of information. We mentioned the Mayo clinic but it was doubtful that they would have many other treatment options. So, we are leaning toward the Cleveland Clinic or Vanderbilt Medical. I need to do more research and exploring on both of those, and also try to understand what would be best and how much more energy to exert on finding a "cure" or better symptom management. From the tons of articles (some even med articles that were practically in latin!) it is discouraging that there would be much better of a prognosis especially with the category of POTS that I have and the severity of it already. Part of me wants to accept the 'truths' as I find time after time that this is a dehabilitating and very disabling disease, but another part of me is still a bit in denial and trying to reach out in hope that I could possibly have been misdiagnosed or a rare case that does in fact find resolution in my ailments. I'm praying and I'm trusting and I have hope. Jesus died for my sins and for my healing.

Here are a few of the last pictures from Easter at my mom & dad's house:
The 5 cousins:

Malachi was in a BAD mood!


Who wants candy???? :)


Not sure who was pulling on Taige! :)



Thank you for the continued prayers and support. It means so much to me and my family right now.

The View From Here

My boys are gone to western KS where the reports are that they are having a blast and enjoying life at Grandma Chance's house. I'm so thankful they made it safely out there despite the deer that are abundant along the way.

I miss my boys like crazy, but am getting a little more strength back today. I actually got out of bed this morning without about passing out! My head is still spinning and I'm just trying to enjoy the ride without giving in to the nauseous feeling. While I've been in bed, this is my view:

I played around with PhotoBucket's editing program a little bit and as you can see, I labeled some of the very important parts of my bedside dresser.

Exhibit A: One of the MOST important parts- my note card holder, aka- my Prayer Box. One the outside of the little box, I've written many of the Bible verses that contain why prayer is so powerful and important. On the inside are notecards with prayer requests and notes on those about how those prayer concerns are going. Remember, our prayers are always answered, but it may not be in OUR timing or in the way WE think it should be.

Exhibit B: My wonderful, spectacular, amazing husband brought me a flower last week. He knows I HATE roses with a passion (there's a long story behind that). The red carnation was just my style- plain, frugal, and thoughtful! The note was the most thoughtful part as he wrote that he was with me through this no matter what. I hate feeling like a burden to him and just a pain in his side, but he is an amazing person and I could only pray that I'd be as patient and strong should he need me some day. In the background is my blood pressure and heart rate monitor, which, well, I didn't want to mark as an exhibit because I'm hoping it will get put in storage soon once my heart gets fixed!

Exhibit C: Ah. . . . it was like divine intervention when I was having an awful day a few days ago and our door opened and Whola! (can you hear the harps??) boxes and boxes of girl scout cookies arrived at my door. I'd ordered many boxes months earlier as many people decided we looked like a nice cookie-eating family and it was just the most perfect timing for them to arrive when I have plenty of time to consume them. :) Peanut Butter Patties are my favorite!

Exhibit D: A new book I'm reading to expand my horizons. I joined a book study group here in town to kinda be able to have some girl talk and to grow spiritually. We do a bible study as well as a book study and so far its been wonderful. The book that we are reading right now is Number 1 Lady Dective Agency. It certainly is NOT one that I'd pick up on my own to read, but I'm already flying through it as it is very interesting, comical and has many lessons. Hopefully I can review it when I finish it so you all can decide if its a book you'd like to read as well. I'm also open for book suggestions. As much as I've been in bed and resting, I am sooo open to new ideas. I just need to have motivation to FINISH the books I start.

And that brings me to Exhibit E: This is my mountain of books I need to read for school (especially one my aunt loaned me- How the brain learns to Read), a pile of magazines that have arrived in the mail the past few months and I just haven't splurged into yet and of course, my Bible that gets me through some of my disheartening and depressing moments. The way it is the living word is so evident in that I can open it up and start reading and feel like what its saying to me pertains exactly to my situation right now, taking on a new meaning from what I'd gotten when I'd read those verses previously. Its so amazing and addictive.

Why Worry?

This is how Logan dressed this morning and I definitely thought it was worthy of a snap-shot from my cell as we were heading out the door!

First of all, in case you can't tell, he has a NAVY shirt and BLACK pants, with a nicely worn hole in the knee. He's got his Thomas sandals, red "glubs" and magnificant zip-up tie! Isn't he stunning!?

And, immediately, I had the passage in my mind where Jesus says, (my paraphrase) "Why worry about clothes?" I was half tempted to undo this style and get Logan some clothes that were a little more conformed to my way of thinking about style and where he would be better recieved in the world (we had to drop his brother off at football camp, and I was a tad nervous of reactions). What would people think- of me or of Logan? Would they think we were poor and couldn't afford clothes that matched? Would they think I didn't care about my kids enough to pick their clothes out? What would their judgments be? Sadly, I fretted about this for the hour we were preparing to get out the door, and finally this verse came to mind, and while I am sure Jesus didn't quite have "style" in mind when he was speaking about clothing and not worrying because God sees things much differently than we do and His priorities are much bigger than what we're wearing.

Is it weird that I'm getting this message from a 4 year old? Shawn and I have just started a program to eliminate debt from our lives and while worry lingers about "what people will think", Logan has shown me to not conform to the ways of the world. I know Logan didn't have this biblical revelation as he was picking out his clothes, nor did he intend to send us a message about his style today, but he definitely did. So, yes, I did let him wear this outfit out in public. And, he got many compliments on his gloves, which then he would turn to me and say, "mommy, what are gloves?" and I would correct him in saying, "well, you call them glubs, but they are really gloves." (Which I just thought all along he couldn't pronounce it correctly!)

After I dropped Zachary off at football camp, I returned home and found that familiar Bible verse (verses actually) and in case you're wondering- Matthew 6:25-34. Basically Jesus is saying to us "DON'T WORRY!" And, thank you Logan for reminding me of such an important aspect in my Christian walk.