Go Ahead- Kick Me While I'm Down

This is the last week of my finals projects for my masters program. After a VERY VERY rough week last week, I had doctors appointments scheduled this afternoon. Things are getting back on track after the horrible relapse that happened last week. Thankfully, we are aware of what caused it and thus can prevent future occurances hopefully, but while it happened it was scary to spiral downward so quickly and helplessly. It was just such a clear reminder of how out of control we are sometimes when God has a plan in mind.

Today was a difficult day, made more so by incompassionate others. One of my final projects is on hold, a project I did have pride in, that was one of the major highlights of my program. Now, I face failing the class because of sources outside my control! And once again, I revel in the almighty plan that is before me that I do not know what God has in store for me, but I do know that He loves His children more than I can even imagine. So, while mean people "kick me while I'm down" and try to take the spark out of the learning I love so much, I know there is a reason and that I will prevail.

I have a million pictures from this past weekend. Easter was such a wonderful time with our family. No, we do NOT do Easter baskets or believe in the Easter bunny. Its not blasphemy. . . its just how we were raised and what we believe for our children. Santa Claus is almost towing the line as it is. JESUS is the reason for the season and we like to hold that true. We do have family fun and partake in egg hunts with a plethora of candy. UGH! But, as far as having a glorious Easter morning with loading our kids up with presents from the Easter Bunny- nope. Jesus holds the bar mighty high when it comes to giving gifts and sacrifices.

Tomorrow will be a better day- this week will get better, and this month is almost over. May will be a busy and fast month. Summer will soon be here and we have some MAJOR decisions during the summertime that we're contemplating. Please continue to be in prayer for us, our family, and my health. Thank you!

Trying to Keep my Head Up

Today, I stayed home, yet again. I don't know what happened, but I hit rock bottom. Yesterday, I tried to get ready for work and started to feel more and more lightheaded. Usually, I am the most sick when I first get up in the mornings and it gets better as I get going and have breakfast, but not yesterday. It kept getting worse and worse until I finally had to lie down and tell my kids how to get ready for school as best they could by themselves. I made it back home and crashed. Usually I will let myself sleep for as long as I need to until I feel refreshed. I layed in bed for almost all day and still did NOT feel better. Shawn came home and took me in town for an appointment. The doctors office called with instructions for vitamin supplements and fluids to hopefully get me back on track.

Last night, I went to bed as soon as we got home from our appointment. I kept losing circulation in my appendages. My heart was racing out of control and my entire leg would fall asleep or my arm or if I rolled over, the side of my face felt tingly and numb too and my heart was racing so fast. I didn't sleep well, needless to say, but when I got up this morning, I really could not stay up. I couldn't take the pain or lightheadness. Shawn took the boys to school and then came home to keep checking on me. Gradually this afternoon I was able to get up out of bed. I actually got some reading done while lying down and so finished one of my classes.

As I was pondering today I thought how ironic it is how some things happen in life:

Isn't it amazing how God can speak to us when HE slows us down to MAKE us listen? Otherwise, I would have missed His "whispers" of promise and hope.

Isn't it ironic that on one of my most beautiful days that I am bedridden, yet God shows me the beauty of blooming flowers and a bouqet of lilacs from an amazing husband? That really lightens a spirit.

My friends came over tonight to help clean my house and just knowing they would be there lifted my mood and helped me to want to get my strength back so I could visit with them. They are true joys in my life, and I'm so thankful for them.

My boys were amazing this morning, getting ready and being so grown up. Its amazing after I've had an all-out pity party how God can kinda humble me to see that I am ALIVE, I am breathing, and I should be thankful. There are many more that can't do as much.

And as the pain courses through my different parts of my body, I can be thankful that I am the one suffering and it is NOT my children.

Tonight, as I go to bed, I thank God, that He got me through yet one more relapse. For, if I did not know the pain and suffering, I would never know how joyful it can be to live a life without it. If I never had to slow down and physically be stopped, might I have missed some of the whisperings from Him? Somewhere there is a purpose. Somewhere there is a plan. I hold on to that hope on days like this and I know that He knows my suffering and will make me whole again. . . in His time.

Thanks for the Facebook support, comments, and prayers. I grately appreciate it.

CFS-1, Shauna- 0

Today I'm beginning to let CFS kick me. After a LONG online chat session and a VERY long, productive day at school, I'm zonked out. I hate CFS! I hate what its done to me and how its changed me. I just want to have a pity party! So, here it is. Stop reading if you don't support that (which most good friends wouldn't!). :) I've put on a happy face. I've let it destroy my quality family time. I've succombed to the fatigue that overwhelms and destroys my motivation to do almost everything. I just want to cry- seriously. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE my family and for this stupid, pathetic disease to think that it can make me chose just makes me mad. I'm supposed to be the one in control!!! Days like today and weeks like these past few weeks and the awfulness of the flu, rundown, awful feeling cannot be put into friendly words. It is very depressing how my life has changed and I hate what it has become. I mourn what I used to be and have.

But, God is good! I am going to kick POTS and CFS. I'm going to battle it like it thinks I can't. I hate using my strength to search for answers or cures, but I swear to the very end of my days, I'm going to fight to make sure CFS and POTS don't get the "best" of me. Tonight. . . .I'm giving myself to God to let him comfort, hold, and heal me. Some days, that's about all I can do.

Thanks for the prayers. I really want to get Logan's birthday pictures posted soon. He had a BLAST and I would sooo love to share that. Soon. . . I promise! :)

Ready for the Weekend

Today kept feeling like a Friday somehow. Yet, I have one more work day before the weekend. This week has been especially rough with the digestive issues I've been having. Its been sooo painful, but I'm back on a few meds to hopefully help that. My immune system is starting to rev down and not want to attack everything I eat.

Shawn has had a rough go at work. Long story short- there are just some people out there that are not Christianly workers.

Zachary has his IEP (Individualized Education Plan) tomorrow. There is a lot of "what to do" questions that I have and I'm wondering how it will go. Preferrably, we'd like to see him accelerated full-time but I know there are some others that would probably have differing opinions and I'm nervous about that. He's been doing a little bit better emotionally, but today somehow got very angry at something at school and poked holes all over in his nice shirt with a pencil. URGH!

Logan earned his first ever badge last night at Awanas. He was super excited (more than usual). He exclaimed in a shouting voice, "Mommy, your very first kid got his very first badge." Zach quickly deflated that balloon as he told Logan that actually he wasn't the very first kid. Logan softly muttered, "Well, at least the second kid got his first badge!" He's so adorable.

Malachi has been having a rough time lately with the kids at daycare. I'm also getting frustrated trying to figure out how to make him be better behaved. He's been screaming almost every morning, not wanting to go to daycare. He says, "mommy stay home me!" He gets a lot of time-outs and now is in a "mad chair" a lot. The other day, he threw a block and hit another little boy in the face. ouchie! So, I'm trying to work to give him more expressions to use rather than, "I'm MAD!" or "I don't like that." We've been really strict at home, but I think that he gets the example from his brothers and he runs with it. So, we've definitely got our work cut out for us.

The boys have been rough-housing a LOT lately, especially with this awful cold weather. Logan got nice bruise that he's been sporting:

Giving Up

Life is rough. . . . for everyone at one point or another. This week has been especially challenging for me. I finally hit a point last night where I realized I'm not sure what I want to do. I feel like I've been keeping on keeping on and I'm getting no where anytime fast. I have been a week without physical therapy and had been making slow progress. My chest pain is almost out of control this week, and I just feel so hopeless and helpless. I feel like I'm on my own and those around me don't understand (which isn't their fault). I used to get some inspiration from klove.com but lately I just get angry at the singers because I wonder what they've really been through to make them think they're hope and healing. I'm at an angry spot right now and need prayers to help me get through this rough patch. Somehow I keep thinking . . . Just keep going, just keep going and it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I hate throwing pity- parties and don't think its helpful or productive at all. My life is not half as bad off as some in this world, so I feel a bit ashamed to admit my raw feelings. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what to say or think or feel. It is what it is. Which is both comforting as well as discouraging at the same time.

I'm off to bed soon. Malachi fell asleep around 5:30pm. So, I'm betting he will be up several times tonight. We really need to work on getting him to sleep in his own bed ALL night! He's been bad about coming to our room at about 2-3am and saying "scared" so I just lift him up to our bed and fall back asleep. If I physically stand up to take him back to bed, I about pass out (I've tried). And, my heart gets to racing again because of the posture change so I can't get back to sleep at all most times. I could wake Shawn up, but he already wakes up an hour before me every morning, so I hate to do that to him.

Zachary and Logan have spent much time in time-out, which as you can see they don't look too sad about:

We went to the zoo for Tarin's birthday party and Malachi found a baby duck with its mommy. I have no idea why he has his pant leg like this:




This weekend is my sister (Jarin's) baby shower. It should be a great time, but I need for it to be over soon because I have no idea how I'm going to manage and if I've got everything ready for it.

Introducing. . . . .

Jooseula, Logan's sock puppet. He made it in kindergarten a few weeks ago as an incentive for filling up the class marble jar. At first, he thought "she" stunk. . . just like soap. But, he seems pretty fond of her now. When I asked if she had anything to tell me, he said, "Mommy, you're silly. Its just my hand!"

Malachi was SICK yesterday. He kept running 100-103 fever .  . . again. This happened a few weeks ago and he fought something viral then too. Thankfully, Shawn stayed home with him. I am definitely running out of days.

I came home a little early today and few asleep almost immediately. I'm just waking up and still not refreshed. Its been a good week, but a LONG week. I'm really hitting the brain fog with how exhausted I've been thinking and working. I feel like I've been productive though. Yesterday, for the first time in a VERY long time, I actually officially multi-tasked in my thinking. That was something that was so simple before I got sick and is now something I've just wished I could master again. Little by little, I'm getting there.

Zachary's allergies are trying to get the best of him. He's got a cough that sounds like a barking dog, but no fever, so we're not sure what the deal is.

My great grandma is in the process of passing. She was moved to the Topeka Hospice house yesterday and things aren't good at all. I miss my grandmas, but was very priveledged to know my great grandmothers. I'll post more on this later, but if you do pray, please pray that she is comforted and at peace. This is difficult to go through yet again with family.

CRASH

Today, I CRASHED! I ran out of my medicine that helps bring my heart rate lower so I can get restorative sleep and thus, did NOT sleep well at all last night. So, two "okay" days and one long evening turned into me needing some major rest for the last part of the week, which didn't happen. So, I crammed as much as I could into my morning at school and came home to SLEEP. Thankfully, Shawn picked up my meds, and I'm praying that this CRASH is the lowest one. If you see my chart that I linked above, I have started using a symptom chart to not my degree of fatigue throughout the day and week. 1 is practically dying and in so much pain (it even hurt to breathe today). 10 is back to normal, having NO fatigue. While being at a 10 is a goal that seems almost unachieveable, I don't want to think about that or try to feel like that. Every hour of the day, I rate from 1-10 and the average of the day is posted in my Excel chart. I LOVE Excel, remember! :) My temporary goal is to maintain a few 5+ days within the next month or so. I've also set physical strength/therapy goals that I'm hoping I'll achieve. I need a lot of prayer though to finish out this work week. I drove home today and thought about my job and how much I devote to it and love it, yet it is challenging at times.

We got our bills from Mayo clinic and weren't surprised at all that our insurance (Preferred Health Systems- FYI) didn't cover a bit of it, just like they refused to for my heart ablation back in February. (We had a pre-authorization for the doctor that did the procedure but our stupid *$#&(% insurance did not cover the hospital expenses since it was an out of network hospital.) So, not that I need you to know this, but I just think its interesting:

Feb. 2010- 36 hours in hospital- 2-4 hour procedure (can't remember anymore), over night hospital stay. . . . worst doctor you could possibly ever have. . . .worst hospital you could possibly be a patient at..... heart procedure that was technically not successfull and possibly detrimental to my condition. . . . and insurance that decides to NOT cover the expenses after they'd authorized it. . . .GRAND TOTAL for our bill: $17000

Aug. 2010- 1 day at the Mayo clinic for a cardiothorasic surgerical consult that insurance guaranteed to not cover. . . . because of that appointment, I got an appointment with Neurology for POTS consultation (YEAH!!!- so well worth whatever cost, sorta). . . . .then 8 days of MULTIPLE consults, tests, class, and evaluations with the best experts in the nation (in my opinion). . . .8 days staying in a hotel that I hope to never visit again, but am thankful for what it offered at the time. . . . .a FINAL diagnosis and EDUCATION about getting on the road to RECOVERY. . . . . . GRAND TOTAL for our bill (which again, nothing was covered by our insurance because they really don't cover 'sick' people): $6300!

I am just noting that because I was AMAZED by the "cheap" cost of Mayo once it was all said and done and the much better service and it was almost a third cheaper than the worst experience I've ever been through medically at Galachia! Talk about WOW!

Now, lets talk about siblings. Zachary and Logan are creating such a best buds bond that is just adorable. Its amazed me how close they've gotten. But, I have to kinda nip it in the bud sometimes when they are still talking 2 hours after they've been sent to bed. Logan even wants to move back into sharing a room with Zachary! That's probably not going to happen, so we'll see. I just think its cute that he even considers it.

These kids are 18 months apart and NEVER have been mistaken for twins!

Malachi isn't much of a photo taker, but Zach and Logan have had years of experience hamming it up for my camera.

Logan's the most compassionate of all the boys.













Zachary had a good day today for the most part. He brought his homework home finally and actually had mostly all of it correct. I just wanted him to learn that he can't rush through things like he has been.



And, talking about sibiling love  . . . . Bella and Suzie had some fun together this past weekend.

Mainly, they fought over the treat sticks that they were given. I know they don't look like sisters, but they were from the same batch of puppies! Bella is just way more of the Boston Terrier and Suzie is definitely the beagle.

They had to be separated a few times, but after all the yapping across the yard, we finally just let them play again. They just try to get into so much mischief.

Suzie's pretty territorial and Bella is pretty curious.

Ah. . . . sisters! Right now, both of my sisters are pregnant! :) (Since we're on the subject of siblings and all!)

Monday on a Tuesday

Did I mention that yesterday didn't quite feel like a Monday???? I was right! Today was my MONDAY in full-fledged stupidity and stress. Its kinda interesting that when I talk to people, I will say, "before I was sick" or "I used to be able to" and I then I start going through the grief cycles all over again of the person I used to be. I feel like a monster is unleashed in my muscles and my physical body, making my emotions drained and just exhausted.

Today, I thought things were running smoothly. I was even patting myself on my back for being able to make sugar cookies last night for my coworker (and for my family). It'd been a LONG time since I made the yummy cookies. For one, it takes so much work to make the dough (standing for so long) and then to be patient enough (and feel good enough) long enough for them to be cut, baked, cooled and frosted. Its an exhausting feat. But, I made it through last night. I even woke up the first time my alarm went off this morning and had time to lie in bed and "wake up" before I had to physically push my body to the limits. So, I was praising myself. Wrong move!

Half way to school, I realized that I'd forgotten my lunch box that I'd packed with a week or so worth of food, snacks, and drinks. They weren't with ice packs since they'd only be out of the fridge for 30 minutes. Now, they were ruined and wasted. All the extra cooking, saving, freezing, buying was WASTED!!!! I was upset and it started to ruin my GREAT day, so I started to calm down and tell myself that its ok and I'd get on with my day. Then, I was asked to sub today. Its definitely NOT my favorite thing to do, especially with how I feel now, but I don't mind helping out when I am treated fairly. Today was a great day with the kindergarteners. They were WONDERFUL. I couldn't believe how awesome they behaved for such a short time in school. It speaks wonders about their teacher.

Subbing threw me off and created a LOT of stress for me because I am a perfectionist and I feel out of control in a "huge" classroom when I'm used to 5-6 kids at a time. Its a big (yet understandable adjustment) for me. And then I start thinking about the "before me" that could have handled it with no problem and not had to worry about using up all my energy before I even got to get home to see my kiddos.

I had a meeting after school that I was an hour late to because I didn't read my agenda correctly. DUR! I was soooo embarrassed (more stress) walking into a meeting with my collegues as they were finishing up the meeting. Then, I had another meeting at a different school and finally made it home at about 7pm with a fatigue level of 1 or "about dead". I am soooo exhausted.

Tonight as I was talking to one of my mom friends, I was thinking about this blog. Its turned into "me, me, me" rather than about my boys like it needs to be. It frustrates me how selfish I am and how I think the world really wants to hear about how "sick" I feel and the trials I go through. Blah, blah, blah.

But, I fear that I don't spend enough time (take enough pictures) with my boys to blog enough and keep this up. I LOVE blogging, but I'm not real sure why. At first, it was just because I loved writing and I wanted to preserve all my memories. Now I can't even remember what I want to remember or if I should remember! I'm soooo clueless and clumsy and can't remember half the great and funny things I want so badly to get written on here.

Tonight, my boys played with a little snake that made its way through the grass in our yard. That poor snake. It never even knew that 3 boys would torture it to death, screaming and giggling as they took turns lifting and dropping it. The funniest part was when the snake hid under the thicker grass and the 3 boys were ducking down with their noses to the grass to find it and all of a sudden the head of the snake leaped out like a blade of grass! The boys jumped and screamed. It was adorable and hilarious. I love these times with my boys. Malachi especially LOVES icky, nasty creatures. He even tried to tear the lattice wood work off from under out deck to crawl into the muddy pit and retrieve the runaway snake. He was devastated when it got out of their reach.

Logan and Zachary have been in bed since 7:30pm (grounded, so early bedtime) and I know I should be stricter, but I have been listening to them talk for the past 2 hours. They are such best friends, especially now that they go to school together. It makes my heart heavy to think of how fast they're growing up. I also ache for what Zach is going through. Even as his misbehavior and lies and deception continue, I wish I could figure out what is motivating his behavior.

Well, I'm off to bed, which I should have been awhile ago, but I needed to re-adjust my lesson plans since I subbed today. I HATE readjusting plans because I feel like all the wasted effort could just be washed down the drain tomorrow if I sub again. But, nothing but the best  for my students, so I continue on. I can't imagine doing anything different so I push on through the aches and fatigue.

ADD, Zach, and CFS

Since this post mainly only has pictures of my oldest baby boy, now 7 years young, I thought it'd be appropriate to put a little bit of a statement out there for him and to him.

Mr. Zachary:

You do not read this blog right now because I monitor your computer time, and also because I think you could care less about "mommy's" blog than you do about your Webkins and other internet kid games. So, I feel that its safe to say that when you do read this (at a much older age), you won't be surprised by what I am telling you and you might actually admit that mommy can be right.

Sweetie, we love you and know that God has a mighty future set forth for you. Your opportunities can be endless. I am excited by how incredibly intelligent you are and how I can talk to you like an adult. You amaze me in that sense. I just don't get how your little brain can comprehend some things that I even have trouble grasping.

That being said, dear. . . . you have been driving me NUTS lately with your terrible misbehavior. I know you want undivided attention, but it never seems enough for you. You are very decieving and lie to us often. Sometimes you discount how smart and tricky I can be. (I could make a great private investigator.) Daddy and I just feel like we shouldn't have to do that. We want to have a relationship with you that you can be honest and communicate with us without feeling inadequate or belittled. I don't know what's going on. I am not even sure your counselors understand. We all are trying to help you, but you are making it incredibly difficult.

And, I can't say that I didn't see it coming either because, Zachary, you are a splitting-image, carbon copy of my young days, except for the fact that I was ornery/misbehaved at school. I took out my anger and frustration at school. I wanted life to be different for you. I didn't want you to grow up thinking you had to be perfect and have such anger when you fail or make mistakes. You are always perfect to us and to God, who gave you to us. Please know that we are trying . . . . down to the last ounce of patience. . . .we won't give up. Zachary, you have a tender, sweet heart and I know you are sensitive to the needs of others and you have the anger of a hungry, caged tiger. Trust me, sweetie, I know. And, I'm here for you. . . . or at least trying to be.

We're praying. We're hoping. And we're confident that in faith that God will bring comfort to your soul and you can live free from the devil's grip of perfectionism and anger. We'll get there. I promise and I will be there every step of the way. By the time you read this though, it will be a mere hindsight.

Love,
Mom
P.S. I think you are the most adorable ever in your Jayhawk gear. Thanks for making my day when I wanted to play photo shoot!








ADD- Its what I like to call my brain fog. I can't remember ANYTHING! I can't focus very long on anything particular. I can't sit still very long without getting fidgety and wanting to change positions. I am not a patient person. I want results NOW! I will start a conversation and then forget what I was talking about altogether. Post-It notes have been a God-send lately. I tell everyone that I make a date with- REMIND ME or COME GET ME! In all seriousness, I feel like I'm losing my mind! The more fatigued I am, the worse the brain fog is. Its like my brain is not connecting like it should. I start talking and the words don't come out right or are sometimes incomprehendible. I'm good at making people laugh when that happens. There is definitely no more multi-tasking! I used to be the QUEEN of multi-tasking, even getting upset with the fact that Shawn didn't multi-task, but now, I'm luck to complete one task before I get side-tracked or distracted by another obstacle.

CFS. . . .Oh, I have a BUNCH more to write about that, but tonight I'm exhausted and need to call it a day. I've been reading a lot of literature and books that I'd ordered and I want to share so much information for anyone that wonders. I've certainly learned so much already. And most importantly, I know that I WILL overcome it! I WILL recover, even if its not completely fully, I WILL get there because I'm determined. I'm too young to feel like this! Thanks for the prayers. Today was a wonderful day. I felt like smiling most of the day and I had energy. Tomorrow. . . .as tradition would have it would be a crashing day. I have a VERY busy week, so don't have time for crashing. Please pray faithfully that God would provide a miracle and give me complete healing. I have learned to pray big and expect nothing less!

Monday????

I think my Mondays switched days on me! Today was Tuesday on the calendar, but it was DEFINITELY a Monday for me! I had one of the very lowest ratings for my overall average that I have had since I started my symptom chart. It has never had an average over 5 (out of 10) yet, but today was 2.18 and that was just by 5pm. At 5pm, as soon as I got home, I CRASHED!!!!! I fell into my bed and shut my eyes, trying to think away the pain and exhaustion. This was one of the hardest days yet and I feel like I've crashed worse than I have before. It didn't help that Shawn and I are having an "off" day as sometimes happens when I'm at my last nerve and none left to use. He doesn't understand how sick I feel. My stupid immune system is revved up for NOTHING and I ache ALL OVER. I told him the other day that I thought maybe I over-did it (last week maybe) on exercise, but somehow my lower back HURT. Well, its continued to get worse, even after the stretching, icing, and light exercising. I'm almost at my wits end!

Thankfully, our friend brought us a delicious supper, which could not have been planned for a better night. Its amazing how God works to bring things together. It was such a blessing to have that tonight, but even more of a blessing to have such wonderful friends that care and are there for me. Several of my friends "listened" to my griping through texts and let me vent. I appreciate having that understanding and advice.

I have a tremendous amount of homework and it seems like this semester will NEVER get over, yet its just started. My classes started out going great and now I'm up to my neck in a kazillion research papers and deciphering what data means and how to use it in a classroom. Oh, and I have a 500 page RESEARCH textbook to read and respond about. We only have to read about 100 pages per week or so and there are NO pictures.

On the bright side of things, Logan had a wonderful day at school. Zachary is still battling his darn allergies and asthma and Malachi went to daycare in his pajamas to avoid a dramatic 2 year old epic battle. Tomorrow is a new day. . . granted its chalked full of activities and dr appts and Bible school and Bible study. But, it is a NEW day, one that He has not promised us, but shall I recieve, I will truly be thankful and know how blessed I am.

RO -Day- Oh!

Its been a lifelong tradition to attend the Longford Rodeo. I love it. It's like a family reunion and my boys are really starting to enjoy it. I attended Longford Elementary School before it closed down a few years ago. My great grandparents lived in Longford, right across the street from the school and I would walk to their house after school sometimes or in the summers when we were having softball games. My great-grandma still owns the rodeo grounds, which I think is managed now by my grandfather. As I've come to realize, there are a lot of politics about the rent and policies of what goes on to put the rodeo on. I don't know nor do I want to, so I try to stay out of it so I can keep plesant memories of the rodeo. Its sad though how miserable money can make people. Anyway, my aunt Tiffany and uncle Jim were at the rodeo. Zach and Logan spent some time with them this summer, so they were really excited to see that family again. Tiffany just started her first official year of teaching kindergarten, so Logan kept her in giggles all evening long.

Malachi was a popcorn hogger:

Logan was really geared up to do the muttin-bustin. However, after the names were drawn, he was only an alternate, which meant that if another kid chickened out, then Logan could go. Otherwise, we would get our money back. Well, Logan had his opportunity to go and he was psyched up, but I think he lost track of me being there for him since I stepped out to take pictures and so he chickened out too. Oh well.

This is Logan's friend Jessa. She grew up around Longford and is part of the Rodeo club. Logan was babbling endlessly with her.

Yesterday and today have been rough. I've been trying to rest, but I get so relaxed that I fall asleep. I've been in so much pain (like a tenderness or feeling like when you get the flu and your whole body hurts). My immune system and I need to start getting along. I've read a few more books about CFS. Unfortunately the main priority to getting well is to not work as much and that isn't an option for me. My job is enjoyable, but it is demanding and stressful. It's also a stress-relieving job and something I love to do where I don't have to worry about other things in life but teaching my students. However, with CFS, a full workday might not be sufficient for me right now. I'm trying to keep my symptom journal to see what the triggers are and how I can minimize the "stressful factors". I'm tired of my immune system being haywire and constantly making me feel like I'm coming down with something.

Today, my friend came over to clean the boys' rooms. Before she left, she told them a little secret. I guess she told Shawn it too, but we hadn't communicated about it before bedtime. So, bedtime was a MELTDOWN!!!! Logan finally caved in and told me the secret that my friend told him. (It took a LOT of persuading. I'm so proud of how great he keeps secrets now!) She told them that if they left their rooms like she left them than she would bring a surprise for them next time. So. . . .Logan didn't dare pull his covers back or move his hundreds of stuffed animals on the floor. He had a meltdown. Zachary didn't really have a meltdown, but he just made a little spot on his clean floor to camp for the night. It was so comical. I had to call her to have her talk to Logan to let him know it WAS okay to move his covers, but unfortunately I had to lie to them and tell them that she sent me a text that it was definitely ok for them to sleep in their beds as long as they didn't destory their rooms. Ah. . . . my literal little thinkers! :)

Last night, on a wince, Shawn just decided to drive to Lincoln, Nebraska where our closest Menards is. We had a huge rebate check from when we bought the flooring and he wanted to put down new carpet in the backroom. So. . . .we took off and headed on our adventure. We took Zach with us to relieve the tension for Brady to just babysit the little 2. On the way home, Zachary said, "I prayed to God to put His hand on me and give me comfort and healing and restore my health." I asked what he meant and he said his allergies and asthma have really been bugging him lately. Poor kiddo. They have been awful. I also think its cute how he copied a prayer I say a lot. He gets so eloquent with words for a 7 year old.

Asking Logan what his favorite part of the rodeo was: "the chips".

Malachi really enjoyed the rodeo. There was a bike act for the main act and he loved that. At one point, they pretended that the bike wasn't working and Malachi shouted, "Steve fix it!!!!" I just thought that was cute.

The Geek in Me

I will admit that I am in LOVE with Microsoft Excel! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that it collects, compiles, and displays data for me because I live in a data-driven world. So, after I've read some books about POTS and CFS, I decided to try what most of them suggested- a daily journal of symptoms. Now, last time I did it, I wrote down my symptoms (chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.). It was pretty much the same every day, but I could start to see if there was a pattern of "good" days. I didn't realize that my good days were just "by chance" and that the "over-doing" it that I did on those days lasted long afterward.

So, Sunday, while the boys were at my parents and I was fighting off an awful headache and recovering from an awful nights sleep, I made a daily journal of events and fatigue. On one column, I have the time and events/situation and beside it, I rate on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest) of how I'm feeling at that point in time. I have had a few sevens and many more ones, but Sunday, my average for the day was 4.46. Monday, a day that dragged on and I thought would NEVER end- 3.85. Today, after a rude encounter and a snippy email made for a VERY long day of what felt like wasted efforts- 3.27. Notice a trend here??? I'm thinking that working full-time is hard on my healing, but right now, I love my job so much and don't know how else to manage the load.

I am noting this because: 1) I AM a geek! and 2) I want to look back on this and realize how low I did feel. I know that I'm going to get better. I'd like to see improvement in the next few weeks or months. But for now, I have a data/number that represents my fatigue level for the day and it gives me something to strive for the next day. Trying to pace myself and stay on track to getting healthy. Thanks for the prayers.

Still Chuggin Along

Please forgive me. I am falling behind on posting, but that is actually a good thing because the days I don't post tend to be days I don't have any nice things to say, so consider yourself blessed to have not heard my complaining the past few days. Today, my boys will come home and I will wake up with Shawn home (he gets him VERY VERY VERY late tonight).

I had a lot of ups and downs yesterday. For the most part, things went well until I started to dwell on the fact that I'm not the mom I used to be, I'm not the housekeeper I used to be, I am definitely not the wife and friend I used to be, so I had a few break-downs as I mourned who I used to be. Then I put myself together and went to my friend's party. I had a great time there socializing and being with some of my closest friends. It was nice to not have to chase my children around and have them creating chaos. But, after I left the party I started to feel lonely and sad that so many people asked about where my boys were and I admitted that they were at my mom's. The truth is, she is a terrific grandma. The truth is, I'm not the best mom right now. The truth- I am working on getting better, but I can't quite handle my 3 rambunctous boys by myself for very long. And. . . . I'm not one to ask for help or even accept it very easily.

Last night, I heard my refridgerator groan as the ice maker worked. I heard the locusts screaming outside my window. I heard the creaks and cracks of the settling of my house and the whirring of the washing machine. Sleep evaded me until I finally couldn't take it anymore. I read an entire book (200 page book, not a picture book!). And, I slept awful. I had intense dreams of someone breaking in to harm me and then had awful "realistic" dreams of harm being done to my family. I stayed "asleep" although I should have completely woken up and spent that time praying that the Lord provide rest and relaxation and calming thoughts.

Today, I'm working on pacing. I don't know how it works, but it is a key element in my well-being. So far, I've flunked it. When I feel good, I want to zip around and do a lot of things, but then I crash later. Somethings are worth crashing for, but generally, I need to maintain the turtle speed of sure and steady winning the race. I wanted to make it to church this morning, but I knew that the extra socialization, even in all good intentions would make me again realize how inadequate I am. So, I'm setting the timer today and trying to maintain a work/rest routine, which seems to be working ok. Of course, I won't know until tomorrow if I truly stored up the energy I needed.

Here are a few pictures of my boys at the cardboard boat races at the Milford lake a few weekends ago. Shawn is wanting to pursue this project for next year. My only problem is wanting to make sure my boys can SWIM.

Rough

Notice Malachi's hair cut??? No, he didn't do it. I did.

He went to sleep with gum and somehow it ended up all over his hair and pillow. Thank God it ended up there rather than in his throat.

He likes his Grandpa Dave's (Shawn's dad) tractor.

Today was rough, but yet it was so great. My neighbor has part of this week of so she came over this morning at 6:30am to help me get the boys out the door. She's already awake at that time and has the whole rest of the day to spend by herself, so she wanted to know if it would help me not feel as fatigued if I let her help with them. She was WONDERFUL. We are so very blessed by the friends and neighbors we have. Michele came over tonight to check how my strength training is going and to give me some new exercises to work on. I love it, but today was an overwhelming day.

Shawn leaves tomorrow morning for NY for VACATION! I am at a point in my illness that I can't really function with the boys by myself very long without just losing it and needing to rest. Thankfully, my mom is taking them Friday through the weekend, but I am already dreading being away from them! I hate how slow the healing process is and get so discouraged. Satan tries to get in my heart and make me cry, thinking of all that I am unable to do and be. However, I will rise above. I will help others. I will serve others. I will be the best me I can, broken or not.

Loganism: Logan asked me today how God made the world be dark. I told him that the Earth spins around and when the sun is not on our side, than it is dark. So, pretty soon Logan exclaimed, "Oh, so God untwists the Earth to make it light again!?"

Bring it on Monday!

Some Mondays, I just want to hide. I am not completely relaxed from the weekend and I'd like the week to pass by without noticing me.

But then, I tip my head up and see that people care and love me.

And, so I feel strength to tell my Monday's, "Bring it on!"

It was a rough day. I won't lie.

I cried.
I laughed.
I stressed.
I yelled.
I name-called.
I hugged.
I loved.
I hurt.
I prayed.
I heard.
Praise God that gives us storms so we can have rainbows in our life. I don't have any idea why I am afflicted like I have been and I'd never wish this pain and fatigue on anyone, but there is a reason. Its not in vain. I must hold on to the only hope I have sometimes. Because I can't even imagine facing this difficulty without Him.

These boys decided to dress themselves for church yesterday. As I say many times, sometimes there are just battles I choose not to fight. Sure, I used to worry about "what other people thought" but now I am just thankful that my boys can express their creative side and have such nurturing people in their lives that are just thankful we're at church, despite what we are dressed like.

And, I think the tie and bow-tie brought a few chuckles or smiles to our church friends' faces.






The boys love our new floors. Try not to notice that the baseboard isn't back up yet.

Today was a Monday.
I've got to stop dreading Mondays and start embracing them.
I have to take little steps to get to big places.
I am a great mom, despite the amount of take-out meals I serve my family.
I've realized how strong I can be in my physical therapy/strength training. I know its helping.
God is good. Plain and simple.
I'm S   L    O    W    I     N     G my life down.
Moment by moment I will choose to seek grace, patience, hope and humility.
Thank you for the prayers.