Processing

I'm still processing the events of today. . . . the horrible, horrible, horrible events of today. I'm still trying to figure out what set the world spinning so off course to make today so very terrible. I'm trying to understand how mean, dishonest, unfriendly, and uncaring people all crossed my path today of all days.

Thankfully, I have my boys to give me perspective. . .

Life is like a teeter totter- UPs (VERY high ups) and DOWNs (VERY low downs). Sometimes if you're lucky, there is a tire under the teeter totter to make for softer landing and a faster bounce back up. How ironic that is applys to situation in life like today.

I'm thankful for family. . . .especially those that help me understand and hold true to my Christian beliefs that all things happen for a reason and no matter how bad the storm, Jesus is holding my hands and feeling my tear drops.


Even Logan had a rough day at school when I picked him up. We had to have a short conference with his teacher about his dishonesty and talkativeness today.

Despite that, he still entertained me with plenty of Loganisms to brighten my day.

And as the emails rang through my phone and I wanted to smash it with a hammer so I wouldn't even have to ruin my weekend with thoughts of the events of today, I decided to calmly entertain what others thought and I respect others and their opinions.





I'm processing. . . . . still. . . . how unkind and uncaring some people can be and how disrespectful also about some things that I am very proud of. Hours of work and time . . . WASTED!

Today was a rough day. I felt great- probably walked about 5 miles before I finally took the pedometer off tonight. It was just emotionally and mentally exhausting. We have a VERY challenging situation upon us and are making life-changing decisions. Monday will decide if/when hospitalization of a loved one takes place and I'm not sure I'm ready for that at ALL! I was so busy at work today that I didn't even get sub plans ready because I don't want to even consider that I won't be there Monday. I should be with my family. I should hold true to the belief that they come first and my legacy is with them, but I don't feel like that. So. . . . I'm processing and pondering and analyzing. Please pray. I know its not specific, although some of you on Facebook do know our situation.

My mom has Zachary tonight for a bit of Grandma/Zach time. Zach thinks he's starting to be too old to go, but I think she talked him in to it. Its a nice distraction for him with all we've had going on.

Logan is grounded for his terrible misbehavior at school. And Malachi is hopefully off to a good start with sleeping in his OWN bed all night and not sleep walking to ours anymore.

Giving Up

Life is rough. . . . for everyone at one point or another. This week has been especially challenging for me. I finally hit a point last night where I realized I'm not sure what I want to do. I feel like I've been keeping on keeping on and I'm getting no where anytime fast. I have been a week without physical therapy and had been making slow progress. My chest pain is almost out of control this week, and I just feel so hopeless and helpless. I feel like I'm on my own and those around me don't understand (which isn't their fault). I used to get some inspiration from klove.com but lately I just get angry at the singers because I wonder what they've really been through to make them think they're hope and healing. I'm at an angry spot right now and need prayers to help me get through this rough patch. Somehow I keep thinking . . . Just keep going, just keep going and it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I hate throwing pity- parties and don't think its helpful or productive at all. My life is not half as bad off as some in this world, so I feel a bit ashamed to admit my raw feelings. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what to say or think or feel. It is what it is. Which is both comforting as well as discouraging at the same time.

I'm off to bed soon. Malachi fell asleep around 5:30pm. So, I'm betting he will be up several times tonight. We really need to work on getting him to sleep in his own bed ALL night! He's been bad about coming to our room at about 2-3am and saying "scared" so I just lift him up to our bed and fall back asleep. If I physically stand up to take him back to bed, I about pass out (I've tried). And, my heart gets to racing again because of the posture change so I can't get back to sleep at all most times. I could wake Shawn up, but he already wakes up an hour before me every morning, so I hate to do that to him.

Zachary and Logan have spent much time in time-out, which as you can see they don't look too sad about:

We went to the zoo for Tarin's birthday party and Malachi found a baby duck with its mommy. I have no idea why he has his pant leg like this:




This weekend is my sister (Jarin's) baby shower. It should be a great time, but I need for it to be over soon because I have no idea how I'm going to manage and if I've got everything ready for it.

Sad Day

It was a sad day yesterday for my Jayhawks. I thought I'd post some pictures anyway from our trip to the Clay Center zoo park. Its got some fun photo ops, especially when the flowers start blooming. Sadly, my Jayhawks lost in the NCAA tournament last night. It was devastating, but in the overall scheme, its just a game. I am partial to my hawks, but I do cheer for the cats as well. It has frustrated me a tad bit to have family try to sway my children either way and not let them make their own decisions about who to cheer for. I also don't like bad-mouthing the other team. I think that is really distasteful and just plain unsportsmanlike, which I don't want my kids to learn. I think part of the biggest turn off for me to be a wildcat fan is the attitudes I get from the fans I know. That being said, I'll still cheer for them and hope they do well. I even dressed my boys in the K-State shirts yesterday.





Today is the final day of spring break. Its back to early mornings, work, and school tomorrow! The past couple days have been hard for me. My heart rate has sky-rocketed with just the littlest of activity and I've felt as awful as I did back in December when it was out of control and I just couldn't seem to catch a break. The exhaustion level was the same, which kinda caught me off guard. So, I've been in bed most of today and yesterday (except for a baby shower I went to for my new cousin). Today was so sweet because as I was laying down in bed, Logan came to talk to me and as he laid down, he curled up in the blankie. I said, "are you tired?" and he replied "no" and so I asked if he liked naps and he said, "No, I don't like naps, but I weally love you mommy!" So, he laid down and took a nap with me and was my cuddle buddy. What a precious sign of affection from my little five-year old. He's a keeper of my heart for sure.

This week is busy with many things. I'm mostly anxious about my appointment Thursday in Wichita. I'm praying that this doctor will be a better listener and also have some knowledge and skill to fix me. I think I forgot to mention (and please forgive me if I've already put this), we got our bill from Galachia! WOW! First of all, we HAD to go to the dr there because of insurance. That's why they denied the KU Med dr that was one of the 1st picks. So, since we went to this dr because of insurance, later we found out that just because insurance covered him didn't mean they covered the place he worked!!!! I just about had a heart attack. We got our bill from Galachia hospital (not the dr services) and it was $23K! The insurance did write off a little bit of their 'allowable amount' or something like that, so our final bill (what we owed) ended up being $17K!!!!!! That was for checking in at 7am Friday and checking out 5pm Saturday and having the worst hospital care ever! So, Shawn called Galachia and told them how ridiculous that was and asked how much we would pay if we didn't have insurance. Get ready for this- $5K! So, they knocked our bill down to that. Isn't it wonderful to pay outrageous insurance premiums each month, knowing that pretty much they're worthless!? So, now that we're headed to a new dr (insurance approved), I'm a tad bit nervous of racking up even more debt. We've been trying soo hard to get our family out of debt so we can live freely, giving and saving like we'd like to.