Logan Making Change

The other day for some reason, Logan had $9 in his pocket. I do not really know where he found it because I know he didn't earn it (since he's kinda like that lately). He had been eyeing some merchandise at our local store- the McKinley Mercantile. There was an item for $1 that he really wanted to get. Zachary told him that he had more than enough money to buy the item. If he gave them $2 they would give him change back. He really only needed about $1.08. Logan said, I don't want to pay $2. I just want to pay $1. Now I need to figure out how to get eight cents. So he asked me if he cleaned the back room if I would give him 8 cents. Sure thing Logan! :)

Friends

These girls are some of my best friends:

This past week was rough. . . as with almost any other week lately. However, Wednesday through Friday was EXTREMELY difficult. Even when people who I thought knew me best did NOT understand what I was going through, my Christian sisters were there for me and they understand and are there for me. I see at least one of them almost every single day and love each of them like a sister. They are all some of the most amazing people and I am so thankful to be sharing the journey of our walk with Jesus with them.

Today is a new day. I have a week and a half until my cardiologist appointment. I have a LOT of questions and concerns to talk to when that day comes. I ask for prayer, even as I struggle sometimes to understand what difference it makes. I am trying to understand and believe. . . .but it is so much easier on the days I feel better. Thank you for those of you who DO understand and DO offer a compassionate word or prayer. That makes the struggle feel a little less difficult.

30 Day Challenge- Day 9: A Favorite Picture of Your Best Friend

Best friend????? Why have a best friend when you can have MANY great friends. I hate the word "best" because it insinuates that one is above all others, and that friend in my life would be God, the Creator and Savior. However, I don't think the question meant for me to dig that deeply, so my best friend. . . well. . . . how about my top few friends?

Shawn, of course is at the top of the list. Without getting all mushy, he is that friend, even to the point that it makes me mad when we argue because he's the one I want to talk to about it!

My kids- and honestly we're not "friends" persay because there has to be a distinction in roles between the authority and child, but my kids are in the circle of "friends" that I hope someday to be considered best friends. I pray they find wives that are loving and kind and will be friends with me .. . . :)

And finally, my girl friends- they are amazing. I have a bunch, but a few very close ones. My Bible Study sisters are some of the closest friends I have ever had. They are terrific. I wish I had a picture of all of us together. :(

Stress

This is a rant! I'm sorry but tonight I just can't think of anything better to get written. Days like this I often feel like giving up. I feel like fighting to find a cure is more exhausting than just succumbing to the symptoms and pain. Tonight has reached a summit with my boy's misbehavior where I feel like I cannot trust to go anywhere with them for reasons of being scared or ashamed of their behavior. I have people in my life right now that add stress no matter what when it comes to me causing a conflict because of my health or doctor appointments. It never fails that they make me feel like I chosen this illness or I am purposely inconveniencing others because I like to do that. I wish so hard that sometimes I just wouldn't have to deal, but unfortunately that will never be the case. God has a reason in all this chaos. That is the only hopeful saying I can cling to in the darkest moments. I'm at a low point in this illness. I'm in pain. My heart hurts. My boys are dying for some attention and going about it in all the wrong ways. They are out of control and I'm not strong enough to handle them without help. Now I don't even trust my closest friends with my kids because of how my kids act around them! I covet prayera, understanding, words or verses of encouragement. I need to feel God's comfort, His strength, and His healing.

30 Day Challenge- Day 8: A Place We've Traveled To

We've been a LOT of places, mainly as a family. When Zachary was almost three years old, he asked if we could go see the ocean. So, we flew by the seat of our pants with a 2 and a 1 year old and packed our tiny Dodge Stratus for a 10 day vacation. We got awesome deals on hotels, and since we were members of the local zoo, we got into almost every aquarium and zoo free or half price. Look back, I wonder why we were so crazy, but it was a lot of fun and really our first official "vacation." The best part about it was having paid for it entirely in cash so we never had a headache of bills after we returned home. Ah. . . . I miss those days!

We went to the Omaha zoo a few years ago, but haven't been on any vacations for the past couple years with the way my health has been.

Maybe someday. . . we'd love to take the kids to Florida to DisneyLand/World (whatever it is down there) and we'd also love to travel to some national parks and explore God's beauty in the mountains and the Grand Canyon. Hopefully it will get easier as the boys get a little older. . . someone please tell me it will! :)

30 Day Challenge- Day 7: Favorite Movies

We have a LOT of favorite movies, TV shows, etc. It is hard to think of just one particular movie that we like to watch. We have been watching a lot of kids movies, romantic comdies, or just dumb movies. We also like to watch "The Office" which is more of a TV show, but we watch the seasons on DVD. This probably is one of the more boring of the 30-day posts. I don't have a lot to offer. I'm completely and utterly exhausted. It was a LONG weekend with little rest or relaxation. It did help to have Monday off but I still feel like I am treading water to get back into the swing of things. I can't even explain how awful it feels to have tachycardia for so long and so high. I get my marathon workout before I have even been out of bed for more than an hour. :( PLEASE keep praying that God will provide healing and and end to the suffering. . . if it be His will.

Maybe I'm being a tortured turtle! :(

Rodeo Time

30 Day Challenge- Day 6: A Picture of Something that Makes Me Happy

30 Day Challenge- Day 5: A Song to Match My Mood

I think Georgia is so content and spoiled. She is such an excellent dog. She's a great cuddler and a sweet and patient dog. We love her so much. She is sooo precious! The other day, she crawled up on Malachi's bed to take a nap with him:

 We also bought her some fun new blankies to curl up with. This is her after her first vet appointment. The vet said she looks good and her heart worm test came back negative! (This picture is older. She went to the vet about a week after we brought her home.)

 Here she is by the door. Its so stinkin hot out. She's good about making her trips outside quick and to the point. Suzie needs to take a few notes because Suzie often gets shut outside because she just likes to wander around the yard and play rather than do her business and get back in.

 Isn't she so precious?

Ok, for the 30 Day Challenge- a song that matches my mood.  . . . . well, this is a song that matches how I feel almost every single day. I remember the first time I heard it I thought it was written with my exact thoughts. I couldn't believe someone else could write it so perfectly and hit the nail on the head like they do in this song. In fact, this is really creepy, but as I type this, the song JUST came on KLove! Wow! Ok, God. . . I get it! (How creepy/weird/ awkward is that!?) I swear it JUST started playing! Anyway, it is Matthew West, "Strong Enough." It is a song about asking God, "why do you think I'm strong enough to handle this?"

This song is also a favorite: "Blessings" by Laura Story:

Do You Want to Know?

Today was a record-breaking day for the amount of days we have had 100+ degree temperatures this summer. It is also a day that I felt like I was going to DIE! Of course, I was inside in the nice, cool, 75 degree air-conditioned house, but the past few days have really taken it out of me. I laid in bed this morning, just dying to get my heart to slow down. . . just a few notches and as I put in for a sub, I felt the most terrible guilt and horribleness as a teacher. I love my job! I love my kids! I love the people I work with and I really despise this illness when it takes away the things I love. I also feel like maybe people do not understand how I really feel, and honestly they can't unless they ARE me. This illness has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I can look healthy and even vibrant (? haha) but feel terrible.

I love being around others- friends, family, students, etc. It helps to keep me distracted and I feel great about "hiding" my illness and "acting" as normal as I can, but when I am home and it is "down-time," its harder to ignore the symptoms and they feel so much more severe. The longer I try to compensate for them, the worse the crash is, it seems. I want people to understand how I feel and not have pity on me, but have compassion and a bit more understanding. It is a disabling illness and I HATE HATE HATE it, but I have to hang on to the glimpses of hope and try to understand (or remember) that God has a plan through all this.

As much as I used to be a terrific writer, I cannot adequately or appropriately put into words exactly how I feel. This may sound like I'm whining or complaining and in which case- stop reading. Find a fun, cheerful blog to read. Today, I can't satisfy that desire to have a fun, cheerful post. I wake up EVERY morning (NO exceptions) an hour before I should get out of bed. I lay in bed, gradually elevating my head and checking my Facebook or news. I utterly dread standing up and it hasn't gotten any easier as time has gone by. When Brienna was staying with us, I made the mistake of jumping out of bed out of instinct to get her in the morning and I regretted that later as I about passed out (don't worry- I wasn't holding her)! Getting out of bed happens and immediately my heart rushes to an amazingly speedy pace as well as a decrease in blood pressure. To explain the feeling, imagine running on a treadmill the hardest you posssibly can until you feel like your heart will just beat out of your chest- yep, that's the feeling. . . . almost ALL day long!

As I get ready for work, eat breakfast, my hands and legs are shaky. I can't think straight until I get enough oxygen to my brain to get rid of the brain fog (which is scary because of all the things I need to remember in the mornings). About an hour after I'm on my feet the feeling of about-to-pass-out subsides a little. I love teaching and being distracted by the fun job that I have. The kids are such a bright part to my day and usually always make me feel better.

On difficult days, where I have either over-exerted the day before because I felt much better, or on TERRIBLY hot days like today, I feel completely depleted. I don't know how to describe it except for feeling like you have thrown up and kept nothing in for days. Its like having a 3 day flu without the throwing up part (thank God)! I literally feel like nothingness. I feel shakier, weaker, completely depleted, and just utterly helpless. Thankfully this should get better when I start more frequent IV saline treatments and the weather cools off, but for now. . . . I am feeling barely alive. I can't even stand up long enough to take a shower because the hot water makes me even more light-headed. :(

I am continuing to learn though and cope. It's grim to think of this being the way of life for the rest of my life, so I pray for it to subside and be in remission for awhile. I have a huge support system with prayers, help with the boys, and words of encouragement. While most of them have seen my bad days and the struggles, some have not. I would never wish for anyone to have POTS or CFS. As you've read, it is horrible in every aspect of it. There is nothing positive about having it.

This is a video of Brittany Murphy's brother in an interview he did shortly after her death back in 2008 or 2009 (that winter). There was speculation among her family that she may have had POTS which would explain the sudden death due to the mixture of medicines. (We have to be VERY careful about the medicines we take and how they affect our heart rate. Our immune system is also more susceptible to "catching" things and making it harder to fight them off.)

He makes it sound hopeful and that is encouraging. I try to hang on to the glimpses and moments of hope. Sometimes that's all I have. Thank you if you are one of my prayer warriors and support. I truly do appreciate it!

For more information or to understand more about POTS: http://www.dinet.org/