Not My Fault

I recieved a phone call yesterday and it was one of many that I've had in the past few days. I'm not surprised really because I have a wonderful family that LOVES to step in and give me unsolicited advice, whether I want it or not and whether I need it or not. Well, it struck a bit of a nerve with me because 1) I don't EVER use my "having depression" as a crutch for ANYTHING and 2) I don't think I'm an awful mother. So, having these very firm-established beliefs, it makes me just a tad defensive when someone that I do love and sometimes turn to for advice decides to say somethings that makes it sound like my fault that my children are the way they are.

Now. . . .I don't want to be irresponsible here and take none of the responsibility for the misbehavior of my children. Of course, if I want to brag about the intellect or wonderful, respectful behavior, I also need to take responsibility for my children's actions when they are less than desirable. And. . .Shawn and I do very much take responsibility for our children's behavior. In fact, we both took a Love & Logic for Parents class a couple years ago that helped us to be on the same page with our parenting. Sometimes, though I feel like I have a tad bit more of an advantage in dealing with our children since I'm a teacher and I do use the child psychology constantly for my job. I get PAID to think how children will act from my words or behaviors. I get PAID to anticipate their words/actions/behaviors based on the situation and the environmental factors pertaining to them. This is my job and it meshes quite well with being a mother also as I'm teaching my children how to become upright and respectful citizens in this world.

Saying that, I understand there is a reason for everything, although, unfortunately sometimes we do not understand that at the time. Logan has regressed, which he does every so often. Its just a way of life as we've started to figure out. As I've mentioned, it IS immensely stressful when this happens because of course, we don't know why its happening and he of course can't figure it out. He's scared to tell us what's happening and we're very unsure of how to deal with it now. But, as someone would suggest that as children feel stress and they take that on in many different forms, I do NOT believe that Logan's physical problems are due to my stress level. I do NOT in any way whatsoever portray my stress level to my children! I AM stressed about getting a good grade on my masters class, but that is NOT on the forefront of my mind until the children are in bed and I sit down at the computer to work on my projects. I honestly don't think about it all day long. I AM stressed about what my family percieves as a problem, that I honestly am not sure of with my marriage, but Shawn and I are a very strong couple with many strengths between us.

Tonight, as Shawn and I were at class, we came home to check on the boys since Brady was watching them. Shawn walked into the middle of an argument that Zachary had just hit Logan with a garden rake. Earlier in the day, Logan was standing on a kids table outside to play basketball, and Zachary pulled the table right out from under him, making him smack into our deck, face first. URGH! So, we sent Zach to his room for some cool-off time until we could come back, calmed down also, to talk to him. Well. . . we got a text in class that Zachary had broken a very heavy jar in his bedroom. This was a STRONG jar, one that was so think I don't have any idea how he broke it, but somehow, it was in pieces. I just thought- uRGH!!! What do I do with this child!!??

Shawn and I talked to Zachary tonight, just like we always have in the past. We didn't use any sort of angry tones (which is the nice thing about cooling off before you talk to them) and seemed to have a logical conversation with him. The thing that worries me so much is Zachary's lack of remorse when he's done something awful. He's 6 years old and laughs hysterically when he sees his brother screaming in pain. I don't understand that and I'm not sure how you teach a child to feel empathy or compassion. Tomorrow, though, I'm going to do some research. I'm destined to figure this out. Zachary is worth it and I love him too much to let him become a bad child.

Like I said at the beginning, I don't use my depression as a crutch, because. . . well, I don't think its EVER an excuse to be a bad parent or to not give each day your 100%. So, I don't expect any less from my friends or family. Until you've walked in my shoes or experienced what I've experienced, I would appreciate not having people call me up telling me that serious things that are going on with my children are my fault! Because . . .. well, I don't think that just because I have depression my child has anger management issues and my other child wears a diaper full time and our last child wakes up way too early in the morning. I'm sorry, but I choose not to blame blame blame. I choose to find a solution and work my tail off at fixing the problem.

On the Road Again

Do you have an old western song in your head after reading the title for this post??? Trust me. . . its been going through my head for the past few hours too as I've been unraveling how we went from Lee's Summit, MO Thursday morning to Western KS (yes, way western) by Friday AM. URGH. . . . I LOVE the spending time with the people there, but . . . the long drive with the children and the non-existence of any sort of civilization that might include a mall, shopping center, or even a Wal-Mart is a bit stressful. I mean, I can handle a LONG car trip if I know there might be a little retail therapy at the end waiting for me, but alas, I do love my husband amazingly much and this trip is worth it for him. That, and, well. . . my children are actually starting to make memories and enjoy going out to grandma's now, so they are a little more cooperative on the ride there.

By the time you read this, I'm sure we'll be well on our way, if not already in western KS. We did enjoy my family get together yesterday (on Thanksgiving) and it was wonderful. We saw so many of our relatives that we only get to see once a year. My great-grandmother always is a wonderful hostess and my children get to experience memories at their great-great grandmother's house.

One bit of frustration or prayer concern is that we are desparately trying to figure out Logan's regression. It happens frequently. . .in spurts. . . for many days at a time. . . and thus- we're trying to figure it out since it seems to keep continuing. I do hate that he is back in diapers full-time but we feel that right now, that is the least stressful thing for him. However, he goes through MANY more diapers a day than Malachi does, which also makes me wonder if there is something that isn't digesting right or his body isn't keeping all the calories it should. Shawn and I are both very happy and thrilled that Logan is a wonderful, healthy (for the most part) child, and we almost feel bad for even wondering why he can't be potty-trained fully, completely, permanently, and finally, but maybe that's just something that will happen. I would greatly appreciate prayers on this issue though. I'm wondering about calling his dr. back down at Children's Mercy to see if it has anything to do with a "kink" or mis-shaped colon, which is what they had suggested might happen eventually. Until then, we just are so very very very thankful for our family that we have and know that no matter what, we are truly blessed.

Thankful this Thanksgiving

We're thankful for many things this Thanksgiving, as we've been blessed beyond belief. First of all, we are forever thankful for our Heavenly Father that provides for us and is our everything. Family, friends, health, happiness and the joys of the in-betweens are all things we cherish as we celebrate today with loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving!

Revolt Among Relatives

I woke up this morning to a stark realization that my older sister was trying to "help" me in a way that was betraying me. Imagine the thought of having a husband that your family believes and stands by more than they do with you! Since Shawn choose to air some of our ahem. . .dirty laundry, well, I figured it'd be just fine to put it here, where. . .well. . . its not a secret. I have battled with depression for quite some time. It does make me very ill, both physically AND emotionally. This past week, we've been dealing with more of Logan's regression and its immensly frustrating, to say the very least. I cannot even begin to explain how to get through this with him or help him. Its such a challenging issue and one that I keep hoping that we've overcome.

In the midst of the frustrating challenges we've had, Shawn and I haven't given the utmost attention to our marriage. I have a busy work-load, with my masters classes, 3 busy children, and a marrige to manage, sometimes one of the plates falls, but luckily it hasn't shattered. Our marriage kinda go put on a back burner. We both have failed to be to each other what we should be and promised before God to be. And. . . thus, my family thinks they need to 'step-in' to intervene.

So, today, rather than cooking, preparing, cleaning and packing, I've been doing a little bit more thinking, pondering, debating, questioning, crying, chatting with my friends, and trying to understand where this came from. I can deal with challenges and I take them on willingly as a way to live life, but certainly, this is a challenge that is new to me- how to save my marriage and make it back to the one that was worth saving. Somehow I just kinda assumed that marriage would just work itself out, that it just came naturally- because for the first few years, it was sooo naturally to just be 'in love' and take care of each other, be there all the time for each other, etc. Lately though, I'm so empty spiritually, we haven't been doing our devotions together as much, and its just hit and miss with talk at nights.

I would beg you please for prayer as we go about the rest of this holiday time, enjoying family time, immersed in the stress of people that think differently than us and people that have said some of the most hateful and hurtful things to us. I ask that the Lord gives us strength to rise above it and deal with the challenges presented to us in a way that would forever make our bond stronger. I know its just a rough patch in this thing we call life- but its one weren't not as familiar with how to navigate through.

Here are a few more pictures of my boys from a few years ago (2006 to be exact). :)

Blast to the Past

Today is my Friday! YES!!!! I'm utterly exhausted tonight- tired just thinking about what I've got ahead of me the next few days, worn out thinking about my major project that is calling my name annoyingly loud, depleted from spinning my wheels trying to get things figured out with a small child that decided this would be a great week to regress in his pottying behavior. URGH! I'm just plain exhausted, so off to bed we go immediately after supper.

Here is my baby Zachary in November of 2005, which means he would have been 2 years old. (I think this was that year.) :)

Santa-God

Tonight at supper-time, Logan told Zachary, "Zachawie, you betta be good cuz Santa-God is watching us!"

Spinning our Wheels

Today was a busy, exhausting day. It was chalk full of 'stuff'. The highlight was a friends birthday party that Logan attended. He just adores this girl and so was very excited to celebrate her birthday with a bunch of friends and little kids. It didn't matter that he didn't really know anyone besides her and maybe one other kid, he is SUCH a social bug. I HAD to steal this picture that the birthday girl's mama took:

We went to church today, but well . . . didn't quite get through it. Malachi is such an annoying little one during church. I can usually take him out to the hallway where he'll actually sit quietly, but not today. We attended a church friend's wedding last night, so I was utterly exhausted this morning, making my tolerance for the annoying church behavior and loud noises a little less than alright. I am just CRAVING having some sort of adult spiritual book study or something that I can grow spiritually with. I DESPARATELY NEED to grow. I've been so stagnant in my spirituality for quite some time and it drives me NUTS! Maybe in the new year, I'll try to organize something. Hmmmm . .. . any ideas????

Zachary's behavior has been a tad bit better today, although not the best. His aunt Laurie called to ask for him to come visit during Christmas vacation, but I'm not sure he'll make it. We're still trying to figure out what to do with this kiddo. And. . . regardless of what other people tell us, he is only like this to US! So, hearing, "Well, this worked when he was with me. . . " doesn't do much for us. Sorry to say, but we're running out of resources and exhausted in our searches for those resources. But, loving Zachary means we won't give up, despite his awful, crummy attitude some days and so we continue in our quest to find something to do with this sweet little boy.

Rock Collections & Clean Plates

Tonight, my baby brother is here. He's not so baby anymore- in fact, he's grown up quite a bit lately, and is the tallest of the 5 of us kids. He brought the boys frosties from Wendy's and unleashed the worst temper ever in Mr. Zachary, but otherwise, we've had a nice evening. As you know, Logan just cracks anyone up that visits with him. He walked up to Rylan and held out his hand. He said, "Rylan (or how Logan says- Wy-lan), I have a wock collection." And, with that he held out his hand with a smallish, smooth black stone in it. He was overly excited about this tiny little "wock" and said, "and guess what??? I even named my wock. His name is Wockie (rocky)!" I've heard of having pet rocks, but I've never quite heard of having a rock collection with just 1 rock!!!!

Last night at church youth group, I told Logan he needed to clean his plate before he could eat his cookie for dessert. Thinking logically that he would assume I meant that he needed to eat the rest of the food on his plate before he picked the cookie up, I wasn't quite ready for what happened next- Logan took his little napkin and started wiping his plate clean! Sometimes. . . . I wonder! :)

Silly Sockless Boy

Every single day we drive in the van, Malachi takes his right shoe off. Never his left shoe, only the right one! I've tried to take the left one off for him and he's shouted, "No, no, no!" at me, so its no wonder that here, again, we have Mr. Right Shoeless Malachi:

These are all phone photos, so excuse the poor quality. Here is a cute one of my boys all snuggled up at the football game a few weeks ago.

Whola- Malachi's hand the evening after he burnt it- not too bad, huh? It was just really really red. It now looks completely better beside just one blister between his thumb and finger.

Pardon the morning mess in the background. Did I ever mention I lived in a frat house? :) Ok, well, in a few years it might feel much more like a frat house, but still- something about boys and not picking things up . . . .But the part with Logan and Malachi was too adorable to delete, so please don't mind our mess.


Today was a bit of a difficult day for me. Just some things came to my mind and had to be dealt with but otherwise, not entirely a washout of a bad day. I felt very productive today, and feel like I actually am getting some things done with my groups now that I've had them 2 days in a row!!!! :) I still feel a bit in limbo with certain situations, as well as some other details, but God is helping me gain strength and good friends are wonderful to keep me grounded in sanity and logic! :)

Tomorrow's a new day. . . . Sometimes, I just have to take it one day at a time.

Cicadas

Zachary stayed home sick today. He had a 102 degree fever this morning. My husband is AWESOME- he rearranged his schedule or something so he could stay home with Zachary. Zachary started on antibiotics and is already starting to feel better tonight. I hope its not short-lived feeling better like the other day. About a month ago, I got the priveledge of attending Zachary's learning celebration at his school. He's been very interested in cicadas. He made a powerpoint presentation and so he read it for his presentation. I'm so proud of him!

The Stay-at-Home Mom vs. Working Mom Debate

I subbed today and it gave me many wonderful thoughts about teaching. Yesterday, after having a rough start to the morning with some coworkers, I decided that I needed to quit wallowing in the misery of the moment and to get my focus back to where it needs to be- looking up and looking to the future! Ah . . . .and my future is looking up now. I've debated a few things but this year has certainly brought the challenges for me as well as the adverseries and negativity from others. So, I printed off several teaching applications and am wondering about what my future holds. I'm wondering and debating how I should form my goals for the future.

While most of my friends on Facebook seem to be having the "to get the flu shot" or "not get the flu shot" debates, I sit back and think- its soooo much like the "working vs. stay-at-home mom" debate! What is good for one person may not be suitable for another. Personally, I've always hate the mommy debate with a passion. When we started attending church locally, I noticed quite soon that I was one of the ONLY moms that "juggled" the kids and working. As we greeted one another, other moms could be over-heard arranging play dates, talking about group gatherings, etc that my children were never a part of. I yearned to be a stay at home mom at that time. But, alas, Shawn and I had grown into a lifestyle that did not afford us that luxury, although we could have had that previously when I was just working to get out of the house.

As I stayed home with a sick baby, I knew that staying at home wasn't for me since my heart YEARNED and ACHED to be a teacher. Don't get me wrong- being a mom is an utmost priority and joy in my life, but teaching was my passion or career that I thoroughly enjoy. I hated giving that up, even though I only went from student teaching to being a regular teacher that got paid for a job I loved! This year as we've grown further from our church family, the whole stay-at-home and working mom has once again entered my mind. I still feel very much excluded from other moms because I have much different "interests" than they do and my dramas for the day don't always include my children. I would so much love to have other moms to chat with that understood how difficult it can be to get 3 young children out the door by myself in the mornings, "juggle" a full-time work load, have demands that sometimes feel unsurmountable, and worst of all- be made to feel like a bad mom when work tries to prioritize your life the way they think you should live.

Yesterday, my son was sick. Zachary had bronchitis and was visibly not feeling well at all. Trying to be a good teacher, I decided to try sending him to school to see if he'd start feeling better, but by the time we got to daycare, my mom-heart really pulled my strings to say, "I'll take care of you today." I did take a lot of heat for it. People were upset, not understanding, and just plain rude about it. It broke my heart to feel so torn between being a professional that loved my job and being a mother that needed to comfort my child. As Zach napped yesterday, I pondered deep thoughts that have been surfacing more and more lately as things get more difficult and as I've prayed for guidance, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that the answer is not for me to stay at home with my children. That's not the kind of mom that makes me the best mom. I interact best with my children when I have some adult interactions throughout my day and am challenged, just like in my teaching job. I hate making major life decisions and while I'm not making any of them any time soon, I need to figure it out so I can start focusing in that direction and thus start focusing on the happy place rather than dwell in the negativity that I get surrounded by.

Yesterday was a major turning point for me. Yesterday I was able to understand that some people try to make my priorities for me and they don't nor will they ever align to what I believe. I have to be a mother first! My child WILL remember if I wasn't there to take care of them during a day they were feeling awful and needed their mother. However, my students will not so much notice a day without me. The legacy is so much different and sometimes I fret about which legacy is most important, which from an outside perspective seems quite petty, but as analytical as I am, I do ponder these things.

As I said, today I subbed. I can't say I enjoyed it all that much, but I did make the most of it and as with all new experiences, I take something from it. I love working in the different classrooms and seeing what each teacher uses or how they run their classrooms. While I'm not a huge fan of subbing because I prefer to put a LOT of effort into my lessons to make them purposeful and so am not as comfortable just "winging it" with others' lesson plans, I learned today that sometimes practice does make perfect. Sometimes teaching lessons by just "winging it" can show you if you really have it or if you just blow smoke when you talk to teachers about best ways to implement ideas into their classrooms. I feel more motivated in my job, a little more stressed to get time made up with my own students, very hopeful about the new ideas I have gained, and very focused. . . . on the future, whatever it may hold!

And, now some completely irrelevant picture to the post besides the fact that my children make me the happiest person ever. Here are a few pictures from Halloween evening with my family.

Malachi is starting to squint his eyes:

Excited faces:

Snow, Snow, Snow & Sick, Sick, Sick

This morning, we got a bit of snow. Sorry, its not the prettiest scenery. Hopefully in a few years, we'll build a nice new house in the country, with a picket fence, beautiful oak trees . .. you get the point. Today, you'll just have to see the beautiful snow over all the boys scattered toys. The interesting thing was that there was almost NO snow in JC, Manhattan, or on the drives there. We had the most snow in the area that I was in today.

After a little un-needed drama with the new sub system at school, I did take today off to keep Zach home. Yesterday, when he woke up to get ready for church, he said, "I just don't feel like I'm alive!" He kept saying that all day until finally he headed to bed with a low-grade fever. His cough was awful last night and he 'barked' all day today. After taking him to the doctor it was determined that he had bronchitis, so he got a nice little shot and came home to sleep the rest of the day. When he woke up this afternoon, he was already sounding much better. Hopefully we'll get through the rest of the week with healthy kids!

The other night, Zachary was reading to Malachi. It was A-DORABLE!!!!



I like this picture because Malachi had obviously pointed the the wrong picture and he was shrugging it off and Zach had an annoyed look on his face:

Catching up on our Loganisms

Today has really been quite a ho-hum day- not much of anything going on at all. We've been trying to catch up from the very very hectic week we've just had and get our house a little bit back in order. The boys are doing great. Malachi's hand looks amazingly well- barely any sort of mark on it at all! Talk about a lucky boy!

Meanwhile, Logan has been spouting off hilarious Loganism's left and right. He is seriously the funniest child I've ever been around, not even being a bit biased. Logan is so funny because he's so genuine and basically clueless. Plus, he thinks in such a different direction than we normally would, so his responses are usually the evidence of that.

Last Friday night, we went to the Riley County Falcon football game. They were playing in regionals or something big like that, so while we were cheering, my boys were wrapped in their furry blue blanket. Logan said, "Do I look like a squibbler?" I asked him what that was and he said it was a mix between a whale and a blue blanket. (Yep, one of those things that just plain doesn't quite make sense!)

This past week, while I was driving to daycare, Logan was frantically kicking his feet, which was in turn hitting my driver's seat. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was having a foot fight! I asked him what that was and he said that his feet had to hit each other until one of them just gave up! :) (Are you grinning here?) I asked him which foot was winning and he said they both hurt! :) (So, I'm guessing he called a tie on that game.)

I'm not sure if I put this one on my blog yet, so forgive me if I did, but I just think its rather funny some days what comes out of my mouth, clearly in context for the situtation, but this one particular day, I had to stop and just laugh at what I had just said, "Logan, please, just pretend that you really DON'T know how to speak whale!" Now the story behind (yes, context IS important): Zachary was bothering Logan in the van and Logan said, "Mommy, Zachary is speaking whale and he wants me to speak back to him." So, then, I said what I did to Logan, and he was just fine with that solution to his problem!

Some days I think I should quit my job and write a comic strip. Logan would provide plenty of create material. He spent last night at my sisters, which I'm sure he never quite turned his voice off as he rattled away the whole time he was with her. This morning when I went to pick him up, the kids were having a snack of some Halloween candy. Zach got up from the table with a sucker in his mouth, so I told him he better sit back down. Logan got up with a piece of an AirHead (yeh, nice choice of candy, right??) in his mouth. Courtney said, "Logan you need to sit down while you eat that candy." So, Logan said, "But, I'm not eating it! I'm just holding it with my teeth!" I guess you could say that! :)

Here are some pictures with Logan and a few of his favorites. He pretty much warms up to anyone that listens to him and gives his random sayings any attention! :) My aunt with Logan:

Uncle Dale with Logan:


Logan was trying to keep his hands warm too:

Loving brothers

We're doing much better tonight. Mr zach's arm is looking better and malachi's hand has a little blister, but otherwise you'd never know the drama of the past couple of days! :)

Emergency(S)!!!!!!

This was the beautiful full moon back on Halloween evening as we sat around a bonfire at my grandparents home. With the events of today, although I'm not a superstitious or person to believe in luck, based on my Christian faith, I certainly felt like today felt like that of a full moon!

This morning as I was getting Zach and Logan ready to get off for school, I heard a blood curtling scream from my bedroom. As I ran in there, Malachi was laying on the floor not breathing. In a moment of heavy crying/screaming, I noticed my curling iron (that was on) laying on the floor beside my vanity, so I knew right away that my little boy had pulled the curling iron over and touched it. I had no idea how bad it was though as I looked at his hand and realized he'd grabbed the whole darn iron with his tiny little delicate baby hand. So, I rushed him into the kitchen to get some water running on the burn and then gave him a little cloth Thomas the Train ice pack. They both didn't help much as he was cringing and screaming and just unconsolable. He also kept trying to shake his hand like it would come off, which was hard for me to see him like that. So, I took him into the hospital, where he saw his daddy, and put some ointment on it, tried to keep it wrapped and sent him off to daycare. It was a nerve-racking morning for me, to say the very least. My nerves were just about shot in the chaos of trying to deal with it all.

Then, a couple hours into my workday at school, I recieved a phone call from Zach's school saying he was having an allergic reaction at the injection sight (where he gets his allergic injections). Normally, the reactions are supposed to appear within 30 minutes of the injection, which is why we give them to him at the hospital, but it didn't do anything within the initial 30 minutes, last night. We called the allergist in Topeka (which is what we were told to do) and they told us we didn't need to use the Epi-Pen yet unless he was starting to have trouble breathing or more of a severe reaction versus the large rash he was starting to develop. They did say that from now on he'll need to go to the dr. office for his allergy shots since he's showing such strong allergic reactions so soon (this was his 2nd dose of the injections). It makes me a tad bit nervous. So, while we gave him the Benedryl and waited for the symptoms to get better and checked his Peak Flow (for asthma), we rested. And it was nice to have a bit of a time to let my nerves (whatever's left of them) re-settle from a very chaotic day!

One can only pray that tomorrow WILL be better for us!

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!

This morning, I was a bit selfish and I thought about how exciting it was 8 years ago today when Shawn proposed to me and our lives changed forever- both for better and worse. It was incredibly symbolic that it was not only our "10th of the month anniversary" but also my parents wedding anniversary. Today, my proposal anniversary takes a backseat or non-existence to the fact that my parents are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary today!!!!!

Yes, for some, 30 years is just a blink of an eye, but for others, the solid foundation of the marriage is proof that you can in fact find your sole mate, raise 5 kids, stay sane in the process, and still genuinely love each other the same today as you did 30 years + ago. My parents marriage has been a role model for Shawn and I as we've faced tough times, especially right after our initial engagement when it was like evil forces were trying to separate us. Mom and dad took Shawn under their wing like he was their own and they showed us through words and actions how marriages survive turmoil and difficulties, when its coming from the outside in.

Happy 30th Anniversary Mom & Dad! I'm so thankful, blessed and just genuinely grateful for the model you've put in place for your children and family.

Defeated

Some days. . . . some Mondays. . . . its just plain easy to feel like my Jayhawks . . . defeated. I'm exhausted tonight. Zachary's practicing the piano and it couldn't get on my nerves any more than it already has. Shawn is grouchy and Logan just can't quite seem to listen and obey. Malachi is in a funk too of just plain doing his own thing whether or not he should, so tonight, we're just calling it a night early and going to bed. . . defeated. . . tired. . . grouchy. . . .optomistic that tomorrow WILL be a better day!

Down the Road. . .

I just want to blow this picture up and post it on my wall. It symbolizes so much to me, yet simplistically it is just plaing cute! I love how my brother edited the colors in this picture and could spend hours thinking of the symbolism and meaning this picture could have. Can you????

Happy Fall Y'All!

Lets give 3 cheers for this beautiful weather!!!! And, while we're cheering, lets cheer for wonderful friends that support us in difficult times, and support us when we try to have strength when confronting those that attack us. Let's celebrate wonderful people that show up randomly out of the blue to console us with WONDERFUL homemade Italian bread! And, best of all, today, I am so happy that my children just LOVE Wednesdays because they get to go to "iguanas" (aka- Awanas). Logan and Zach love church where they get to learn Bible verses, earn badges, actually learn about having a relationship with God. Its been so nice to finally have them motivated to attend church.





So. . . . Happy Fall Y'All! :)

Being Bullied

Zach has been just awful to Logan lately. He tortures him every chance he gets and it drives me nuts. Well, today, the babysitter told me that Logan has been having nightmares about Zachary being a "bully" to him. I asked him what was going on and he said, "mama, I prayed welly hard for Zach to not be a bully to me." It about broke my heart. Zachary knows darn well that he's bigger and more knowledgable than Logan and takes advantage of that.

Well, today, unfortunately, I experienced mean people trying to degrade me and devalue what I do- Bullies that enjoy picking on others by imposing restrictions without even a reason or answer. I'm VERY VERY VERY frustrated tonight because I feel like I've been forced into a defensive position when I shouldn't be at all. I'm sooooo tired of trying to understand the logic of it when it seems like there is none. I'm tired of picking up friends that have been beat down by negativity and had their emotional buckets not just dumped, but kicked over. Tonight, I'm apathetic in a few areas and feeling like I've not been appreciated or given the credit that I (and my friends) deserve. So, I think its time to start looking to the future- happier days, surrounded by equals that do NOT bully others, that understand how to be politically correct without hurting others feelings and to a time when I'm FREE!!!!

As always, my family is my rock (that is after my one true Rock), but I'm so thankful to see how others have used and abused me and so today I made a decision to have nothing to do with them when I didn't have to, thus enabling me to enjoy my family time, without worries or obligations otherwise. I'm excited for what's to come and thankful for my many blessings!

My kids are amazing! We've been working on teaching Malachi sign language, which Logan has also been picking up. He also has been picking up a bit of Spanish at the babysitter's house. So, last night after he came out of the bathroom from washing his hands, he was moving so fast and said (in his most excitedly tone), "Look, mama! My hans peakin panish!!!" It was pure, innocent, absolute, amazing humor.

3 of a Kind

My brother was so kind to take some fall pictures of my kids yesterday. I really enjoy these pictures and just can't quite pick out a favorite. I love having "photo sessions" with the boys because I know that this time is going so fast with them and they're growing up soooo fast. In fact, yesterday, Zachary said, "when I am grown-up, I'll be an adult and I'll be in college." I asked him where he thought he would go to college and when he couldn't think of any, I asked if he'd like to start out at Cloud County (which is near and dear to my family's heart and also a great start for kids starting college). He said, "well, I think I'd like to go if its only like. . .$25!" (I thought, hmmmm . . . that is a lot of money for him right now.



This picture was one of my favorites. My brother edited it a little. It was funny, because 1/2 way down the road, Logan turned around with a very very worried look and said, "I'm not thinking this is a good idea."