Cousins Visiting

Ah! Sleeping in this morning was wonderful- not gonna lie! I actually woke up early when Shawn woke up and did get back to sleep, but usually Malachi's waking up right as I'm hitting sleepytime, so this morning was a welcome rest. A few days ago, we had Taige & Tarin over while Courtney and I switched babysitting for the day to attend appointments. Here are some of those pictures.

This one was my favorite:

Feeding them lunch was incredible! I was amazed at how much 5 little boys could eat!

Malachi was introduced to the bottle again, well sorta. He saw Tarin have his bottle and got VERY jealous.


And, the boys had a good time reading books together.


Malachi cuddled with Shawn for a nap while the rest of them skipped it altogether.





I'm home with only Zachary today as my mom has the other 2 little ones. Zachary and I have a FULL day planned so I really shouldn't be spending much time blogging! We're going to get a LOT done around here (if I hadn't slept in so long) and then head to town where he will redeem his free birthday coupon from Coldstone (sign up for those if you haven't- its great getting free ice cream) and then we have 2 appointments to go to with Shawn (PT and his ortho appointment). We also have to stop by the Salvation Army to drop off some donations (we've been cleaning this week) and then a trip to the library to finish up the summer reading program! Ah, it'll be a busy busy busy day. Hopefully its a tad productive.

6 years Old!

6 Years Ago. . . . .

I became a mommy. . . .

My mom became a grandma. . . . . .

Shawn became a daddy. . . . .

our lives were forever changed. . . . . .

And God allowed us to be the parents of a beautiful, wonderful little boy- Zachary Christian. . . .

And we're so very blessed to have had 6 wonderful, happy years with him and hope to have many many many more! Happy Birthday Zachary! :) Love ya bud!

Direction. . . . . and Voices?????

Lately, I've been comtemplating continuing on in my education. I can list so many reasons why I shouldn't continue and not as many that I should.

I mean, first and foremost, its REALLY expensive and we haven't taken out any loans for my grad school (thank the Lord) so it takes a LOT of sacrifice and dedication to be willing to pay so much not with loans.

Secondly, it takes a LOT of time and energy, that I would much rather be spending with my family and friends. So far, I'm about halfway through my reading specialist master's degree and have aced it all so far . . . .and I graduated with honors from undergrad, with an 18 month old baby, so I know I can do the hard work despite having a busy family life. We sometimes joke with Zachary that he attended college while he was a baby because he listened to many a speeches while he was in-utero and then would travel with me every Friday (and sometimes a little more often) while I was finishing up (which he would walk the halls, visit other students, and just plain enjoy college life while his mommy studied!).

Lastly, I'm not sure what direction my life is taking in the next few years. I focused on my Early Childhood endorsement when I was in undergrad because I feel so passionate about how vital those early childhood years are for children and thought I could make a difference with being some sort of advocate. Mainly though, I knew how to teach children ages 5 and up, but wanted to know how to teach children birth to age 5 since that would make me a better mom (see, I do have good intentions to be a good mom!). When approaching grad school, I considered becoming a Special Education teacher since that is becoming more and more of a necessity in todays classroom. However, I knew that I had one child that read way above level and one child that I'm about 95% sure is dyslexic (which KS doesn't recognize as a disability, so he will have trouble with reading for sure). Reading is not a black and white subject and not as easy to teach since it involves so much comprehension, which is a matter of learning how to understand material. I LOVE my position and my job where I can work with small groups of students, learning new ways to approach their learning so that they can become better at reading. And, call me a bit of a nerd, but I do love reading research about reading and learning what the best and most effective ways of teaching students are (which I don't think is nerdy, but really is essential for all teachers, but most don't have time, and some sadly could care less).

I've been debating what direction to take in life. This past school year has brought some VERY deep reflection on some of the experiences in my life and career and I've noticed that this summer has been especially enjoyable spending time with my children (although that is stressful at times too, but not in the same degree). I am not sure I want to pursue a very expensive degree if it is not going to be applicable in my future. But, I do enjoy learning the information. . . . I'm just not sure that if I start staying at home with my kids, if I need to be a reading specialist. I mean, I could still become an expert on the education of my children without all the expense.

So, after praying the other evening and reading through some scripture, I had an incredibly REAL dream that night! And, sometimes I believe God speaks to us and sometimes I think I took the wrong medicine in the cabinet! :) Well, trust me, I did NOT share any of Shawn's medicine for his pain, so this was a realization, yet its been spinning in my head lately. I had a dream that I was by a shore and had a group of kiddos around me that I was leading in a Bible study. Then, I was cooking an amazing meal (because all my cooking is amazing don't you know!) and kids were congregating at my house, hanging out and enjoying whole-hearted Christian fellowship. I was a youth leader!

Ok- short history on this- I once was very close to jumping ship and moving to Princeton, NJ (much unbeknownst to my parents since I was sorta trying to get away from everyone) and attend Princeton (seminary that is! haha!). I'd sorted through much information, prayed, consulted, emailed, was just so darn sure that was the direction I should go after my first year at JUCO at Cloud. I wanted to attend a Presbyterian Seminary and not preach (because that's not me) but be a leader of youth. I thought I could use my experiences to be a positive role model and inspire others. However, God let me know that this was more of "my" plan than "His" plan and it fell through very fast as I re-routed and headed down the road to ESU, which was much closer to home and also not too far from my future husband that attended school an hour away. After the realization that I had about NOT attending Princeton Seminary, I've had a few thoughts about those days of planning and preparation, but haven't dwelled on it at all. And, the dream I had the other evening was an odd and very awakening thought that maybe I missed the boat. But, I think that everything in my life has happened for the best and God's will is still in the works, and I do NOT believe I'm being Jonah (at least as of yet). I don't think I've purposely ran from something that I'm for sure God wanted me to do. But now, I'm wondering if God wanted me to pursue some other type of degree and help with the youth at our local church. I'm not sure though.

I wish God would just speak loudly to me and be blunt, because I'm not always so keen to catch on. Which brings me to another analogy that happened last night. Malachi was screaming in his high chair. I was drinking my nighly Pepsi with a mix of Sonic ice (the best ice ever) and had given the kids their cups of milk for supper. Well, Malachi has had a few tastes of the wonderful, chewy ice as well as the delightful taste of Pepsi, so he was SCREAMING to have a drink. I knew exactly what he wanted. He would shake his head vigorously as I lifted the cup to take a drink. If I lifted the other objects on the table, such as the salt, pepper, fork, plate, he would scream in a way that I knew he was telling me "you don't have a clue what I'm trying to get!" I told him, "Malachi, I know what you want, but you don't understand right now what is best for you. I hear you loud and clear, but I have said NO to this and you must accept that." I thought about God speaking to me, "Shauna, I know what you are wanting right now. I understand how confused you are about what you want, why you want it, how to obtain it, but I'm telling you to be patient. I (God) know what is best for you and will provide that as you need it and are ready for it. Quit screaming at me. Just because you are not getting the answer you expect to hear does not mean I'm not answering you."

Its taken a lot of deep thought, reflection, self-imposed exile into Bible reading and figuring out whats to think about all this. I do NOT think/believe that God is telling me to become a youth leader like I always wanted to be. I don't think I have the strength, energy, or even motivation for that right now. I thought about volunteering for our local Sunday School, but cannot contain Malachi while trying to teach others, especially for the class they need a teacher for- Zach's grade. So, I've just been leading our devotionals at home and trying to double up or do more on Sundays since I haven't taken my boys to Sunday School for awhile. I wonder though if God is telling me to not continue with my reading specialist degree and maybe start taking some classes at our local Manhattan Christian College? I wonder if that is where my path will be leading in the future or if that's more of the direction I should take???? I wonder and I'll continue to pray. . . until then, I'm still enrolled at ESU for this semester and am really looking forward to my class as its with one of my fav instructors! (and no, she doesn't read this blog!) :)

Wonderful Wednesday

Well, today is already off to a MUCH better start! Shawn headed back to work today, so was up at 5am and actually got himself dressed. Malachi woke up at 7am, but I convinced him to sleep in just a tad longer. He loves our bed and I can't blame him. It is super comfy! We try not to make a habit of letting the kids sleep with us, but sometimes we spoil them. We took our morning walk to the mailbox this morning and painted the pinata "Christmas Tree Green".

Malachi is "thinking" about the boldness of green!

Malachi has had sympathy for Shawn. We put him in this and he had so much fun!

An Explanation

This post has been nagging me all day long and as much as I've debated even posting this, I feel as if I need to just air it out and let you in on what's up and why I pleaded (okay maybe just asked) for prayers this morning. And, while I've danced around the demons of my past once and awhile, it seems that maybe you are curious what's going on. While I've gotten emails/messages/texts from people thinking my marriage is falling apart or I'm losing my mind, PLEASE don't think such horrible things! We're doing great, I've got not a perfect marriage, but one of the most wonderful marriages to a terrific husband that I could ever hope for.

So, here it is plain and simple. I struggle with depression off and on, and on dreary days like this, its more severe. Before you start thinking, "I don't know why you'd be depressed, you have soo much to be happy about." let me explain that this isn't at mood thing, but more of a clinical/chemical imbalance that really makes me "off". This past year, with some of the medical issues such as anemia (from other medical issues) I've had horrendous migraines, which I've heard run in my family but are certainly a new thing for me (well, new as of a few months ago). When I have migraines, rest completely eludes me and I run for days on as little energy as I can afford. I eat copious amounts of Whoppers (which I know can gross you out and make you wonder how many calories that would be- not going there) and I literally turn into survival mode. I do have prescriptions for my migraines, but after trying several, the one that helps the most also has the worst side-effect of making me VERY VERY VERY nauseous for the first 1/2 hour to hour after taking it from than that point on, I feel like just SLEEPING in a deep deep coma. I will wake up and feel completely better and pain free (after a nice 2 hour nap). However, with the demands of work and kids, that's not an option for me to take the medicine whenever I need it but more of when it will fit in my schedule (how many times have I said, "I don't have time to be sick?") :)

And, as for depression. . . . most of you know that I've struggled with an eating disorder and depression much in the years past and while those are truly, mostly a thing of the past, they are never truly GONE. My eating disorder is mainly under control by NOT participating in lunches in the teachers lounge where talk is almost always about eating/calories/diets, NOT reading the calorie labels on cartons, but trying to cook the healthiest that I can, and NOT using my energy solely for exercise (which I can easily get addicted to) so I spend that energy on my kids. I have come a long way and I'm not ashamed to talk about my past addictions and recovery. Its not at all something I'm proud of or something I'd ever wish on anyone. Decisions I made when I was barely old enough to drive made for some life-long consequences. However, I am who I am despite and because of what I've been through and I feel sooo much stronger and more compassionate to others because of what I've been through.

Today, when I woke up, I hit a brick wall. (Not literally, we only have sheetrock walls in our house- at least I think!) Since Shawn has had his surgery, he has been doing an amazing job at helping as much as he can, probably more than he should. However, I've taken over sooo much that I haven't done before with little to no rest and its effects have really caught up with me with little to no rest. After a few days of searing migraines, screaming kids, stress about getting everything done for Zach's upcoming birthday party, I woke up EARLY this morning to Satan's attacks of inadequacies and shortcomings. I do have a wonderful life and am soooo very blessed. I hate getting on here and griping about little things because that is NOT how I like to portray our life. Shawn makes me the happiest person ever (and I hope I have the same effect on him) and our boys are spoiled (whether or not they like to admit it or not). We don't have lavish things, but really are not all that concerned with earthy possessions (as you can tell if you've visited). We enjoy our times together and spend our time as best we can together. This morning, as I was groggy and Malachi was screaming (I guess his bottle addiction came back to life after our visit from Tarin yesterday and he was really really really wanting a "ba") I was overcome with feelings of inadequacies which is exactly what Satan would like to have me feel. I succomb very easily when I'm exhausted, worn-out, spiritually taking a break, and its easy to hit me where it hurts- making me feel like a bad mom or wife. I'm not going to brag and say I think I'm a wonderful mom and wife, but I think I'm doing the best I can. Shawn and my kids are the judge of that and they seem to have not fired me so far! :)

Shawn took Malachi this morning because he really just wanted to cuddle and Shawn is best at that right now. I headed back to bed for a morning nap and woke up feeling much more refreshed, ready to have a better "go" at my day. I'm trying to maintain as positive as approach to life as possible right now, but when our roof started leaking (new roof in the last 2 years) during the morning rainstorm, and the boys just ran around screaming all day because they couldn't play outside, the day has been a long one! :) My mom called to help, but I am horrible at asking for help (which is something that really gets to me about Shawn too, so maybe I should work on that). I'm just not sure about offering to let someone take my kiddos and I don't want them to think my kids are the problem because when my kids aren't here, I actually miss them a ton. However, we might take a break toward the end of this week if Grandma is still available and I still have cleaning to get done.

Thank you for your prayers and understanding on this matter. Its out there now and not sure if I feel better or worse about it, but I just thought I'd give you an explanation so the worst thoughts weren't crossing your mind right now! :) Enjoy the wonderful cool weather God has given us! What a blessing!

Prayer

I am not posting a long post today. I'd just like to ask that you please keep my family in your prayers. I'm having a rough morning right now- without going into specifics. Shawn is recovering from his physical therapy yesterday. Malachi has been screaming since yesterday for no apparent reason. And, well Zach and Logan. . . . so far so good. Hope you have an enjoyable Tuesday and enjoy the nice cooler weather.

Cuddling With Daddy

I'm praying beyond praying that today the boys can be a little better behaved, but I'm not holding out hope for it. My nephews are coming to visit for a little while this morning so my sister can go to a dentist appointment. Then, she's going to come back and stay with my kiddos (hopefully napping) while I go with Shawn to his physical therapy. I'm praying all goes well. . . . but as my luck would have it. . . . .

Malachi just loves cuddling with Shawn. Last night, he even layed his head down on the "pillow" part of the sling, which wasn't much to Shawn's enjoyment, but it was kinda cute. Shawn likes this shirt. Not too bad for only being 20 cents! Its rayon, so feels really smooth and comfy on him.

We're hoping to paint the pinata today, so if my hands aren't really messy, I'll snap some pictures for you. My cousins emailed with a great idea of filling a bag for each kid instead of piling just all the candy inside. Hmmm . . . . I'm still pondering that. I think its a GREAT idea, but am worried that some of the kids that didn't RSVP (either way) and hoping that I don't forget anyone since I didn't make the guest list this time and am not sure where it ran off to. I have an idea of who all Zach invited, but am not entirely sure. Guess this should be a learning lesson for me! And.. . .as I check the forecast for this years party date, its looking like a chance of thunderstorms/rain just like last year! Last year the threat of hail cleared our party out in nothing flat. Poor Zachary didn't even get to his presents so, he thought his party was DONE and that meant that he couldn't open presents! :)

Speaking on the subject of presents, what is the proper thing to do in this situation: We thought Zachary was a bit old for presents this year or for having a birthday party. I feel bad inviting people to 3 parties a year and having them think they need to buy presents for them. So, we discussed with Zachary that presents weren't all that important and that Shawn and I would still buy him some birthday presents that could be special, but for the rest, he should just enjoy the company and attention (which he will) of his birthday party. So, we wrote on the invitation to NOT bring presents. However, I've had several questions already from people asking what to get, etc. so I'm sure that there will be a few that do bring gifts. I don't want to have him open in front of everyone because I don't want people that didn't bring gifts to feel left out or bad because they actually followed the directions. And, I don't want the people that do bring gifts to not feel appreciated or see the expression on Zach's face, so now I'm wondering what I should do or what the procedure is for that? Have Zach open it as he gets the presents with the people that bring them????




Oh, and I almost forgot to mention this, but I do have a prayer request if you have time. If you follow some of the blogs that I do, there is one on the side called "My Charming Kids" and baby Stellan needs prayers right now as well as his mama and family. Although I'm not personally connected with this family, I've started to read their blog and enjoy some of the "motherly" aspects on some things and humor associated with raising little ones. I also know how difficult it can be to be going through medical issues (although ours not at all as serious) that are not "by the book" or are an anomily. It takes its toll on a person physically, emotionally, and hardest of all- spiritually. Questions to God don't always get answered on "our time" and sometimes they are not answers we want to hear nor do we understand, so if you have a bit of extra time today, check out her website (and check the left side for her Tweets that are the most recently updated and sometimes the most informatively blunt) and pray for Stellan.

Pinata & Recovery

Someone commented yesterday asking about pinata procedure and how we filled it. I'd love to know who that was besides "anonymous" so I could email back a response. We haven't gotten too far with the pinata yet. I think it still needs one more layer of paper before we paint it and decorate it. The boys are getting anxious for how it all comes together. Here are a few pictures of what we've done so far. We're just using newspaper and glue. I know there are several different ways to make it, but this is the first time the boys have made it so we're not shooting for perfection, just a fun experience to have together.


This is what we have right now:

And, I ordered his cake today. Imagine this- they had a different design of Thomas cake, so guess what he wanted??? Yep- even though we've had how many Thomas birthday cakes???? :) I told him the other day that it was going to be a huge task for me to decorate the cake he was wanting. We looked them up on websites and narrowed it down to one, but I think with how Shawn is feeling (which I'm getting to that next) and how the boys have been acting, I don't have the energy or time to make and decorate his cake. I haven't decorated cakes for well. . .. since I did it for 4-H several several several years ago! :) So, thankfully, Zach was able to find a cake and I hope he doesn't look back on his birthdays thinking I was slacking off! UGH!

Now, onto my "surgery boy". . . .Sorry the pictures are a little blurry. The lighting wasn't all that great, and plus with my lack of sleep, I hardly noticed the blurriness! Malachi has enjoyed sitting on Daddy's lap to comfort him. He gets a bit squirmy sometimes, but I think he rather enjoys keeping Shawn company.

We finally took off the huge bandage yesterday so Shawn could take a much needed shower. (I think the no-showering thing is for people that actually FOLLOW DOCTOR'S ORDERS and just sit around- not for guys that decide to go work in the heat of the day in the garden!!!) So, he has had a hard time getting in and out of the sling, which I guess is very painful. He has 4 little incision points with stitches, but overall, the bruising is starting to look much better and I think he'll be good as new in hmmm . . . . several months! :) We start PT on Monday and I think he's NOT looking forward to it at all!

Ok, so on to my story/pity party for today: Shawn did great yesterday. He felt wonderful, so much so that he left the nest to 'fly' away to Wamego and watch my brother sky-dive! I thought, well ok, a couple hours out of the house is fine, but it turned into 9 hours!!!! The boys were awful- no naps, grouchy, crazy running through the house, just all out chaos! I finally got supper around- frozen waffles (YUCK!!) and Shawn calls me to let me know he's having steak at the Little Apple Brewery! Hmmm. . . . no resentment here at all. . . really. .. I don't even like steak!

So, since he felt so "wonderful" yesterday, he slept all night in our bed, which was interesting because I'd keep rolling over and accidently bumping into him where he would just scream/moan and I'd end up being up all night. But, after sleeping in until about 9:30am, he decided to go to Manhattan and get our grocery shopping done and all our errands so we could get back home and take nice naps. It sounded good to me, until we got to our first stop! He got SICK! He was in the bathroom for ages, and I sat in the van, thinking "I wonder if I should drag all 3 kids in to make sure he's alright or just trust that he'll send someone should something be terribly wrong." And, of course, he didn't take his cell phone. So, after ages, we got our Target list mastered and he thought we could manage Wal-Mart (why oh why do I trust to believe this?). We got into Wal-Mart and as I was comparing school supplies and marking things off my list, he again had to go to the bathroom. I guess he's been really nauseous and in pain so much that its making him sick. (Did I even mention the migraine I was fighting off this morning as well?) So, Shawn took off to the van to take a nap in the AC while I managed the rest of the hour and half major grocery shopping, driving home, carrying everything in and finally .. . . collapsing.

Enough with the pity party though. I am happy to help Shawn out and hope that he recovers soon. I wish my children would be obediant, sweet little things that listened and helped, but I guess. . . .

Is it too late to pop the pinata (see it in the background) and cancel the birthday party??? I'm not sure I'm ready for a sassy six-year-old! I'm seriously contemplating canceling the party unless some sort of stress-relief finds me soon! These kiddos are wearing me thin!

Here is Rylan playing the Ski Game on the Wii Fit. Its so funny to watch newbies at it!

Nothing Planned Saturday

Well, the boys are sleeping in the morning, and I just got Shawn tucked into our bed. He misses the comfy-ness of it, but I hate to say it, but I'm not sure it's stable enough for the support his arm needs. However, I'm not one to keep telling him "I told you so" so, I helped pile a million MORE pillows onto our bed to get him comfy and in a position that he could possibly rest a little better. The 'ol recliner is already wearing off its fun-ness as he's ready to just sleep well through the night again. Poor kiddo!

Last night was difficult for me as well as I ate something that made me terribly sick! Usually Shawn is GREAT about taking over bedtime with the boys and letting me recover from being sick, but with him being bummed up himself, there was no such thing happening. I kept thinking, "Lord, what in the world is happening because, once again, this is NO time to get sick!" Thankfully, between sick spells, I managed to get the boys to bed and Malachi fell asleep with Shawn (I have the most adorable picture of that, once I get it uploaded on my computer). He didn't have a nap at all yesterday, which actually worked to our advantage. I feel amazing today, a bit worn out from yesterday, but overall, I'm so thankful to be up and going today without being sick.

I'm a little nervous that Malachi is getting something in his ear. One of his ears is red and swollen, which I've never seen before. Its the little part right off your cheek- its really swollen. I think he must have gotten a bug bite, but he won't leave it alone for anything and I can't tell what's the matter with it, so if its not better by Monday and if he hasn't had a change of attitude from his grouchiness, I'll take him in.

Zach and Logan are the same 'ol same 'ol. We made a pinata yesterday, or at least started to make one for Zach's party. Shawn was watching us get all messy and he said, "I think it would have just been easier to buy one." I said, "Of course it would, but this way the boys have the experience and it gives us something to do for the day besides being bored just sitting around home." They loved playing in the glue and slabbing the newspaper to the huge balloon. I'm re-thinking the size of the balloon now, but its too late. We'll reapply another layer today, let it dry and then paint it, dry it, and fill it. I'm wondering after all that work if Zach will even want the kids to be tearing it apart! :)

On a school note- I start school VERY SOON! I'm very excited and apprehensive. Zachary is NOT wanting to go back to school this year. He seemed to love school last year. I mean he had a few ups and downs, but overall, I think he did alright and enjoyed it. I think he was frustrated that the socialness was limited (aka- no dating at school!) but otherwise, I didn't hear him complain much. But he is full of negativeness right now toward the whole situation, so I'm trying to figure out what's going on and decide what to do with him. On one hand, he misses going here to Riley (which I'm not sure he knows what he really misses about it, but I think since we live right by the school, he thinks he needs to go there). I just know that they were not going to differentiate for him in reading, which was a huge drawback for me. Making a kid sit through kindergarten that mastered "their report card" (NOT the standards based one) by the first PT conference (october) for preschool, was not sitting well with me. That he could "practice" those mandatory 15 sight words for a year was NOT sitting well with me. He could "review" and "refine" those vital skills was NOT going to sit well, which is exactly why I took him into my district where I knew we taught and assessed to the standards and I knew exactly how great of teachers we had.

I'm also a little nervous about this school year with Zachary. He's reading SOOOO much and I'm a little nervous again with what will come of that. I'm sure he'll do just fine, but he's sooo very young for that class and I think that's what is difficult to remember sometimes with how high he acts sometimes. I know I have trouble sometimes remembering he is just a 5 year old. But, homeschool is NOT an option right now, so we're going to try going to Milford at least one more year and hope that he can adjust and do fine there.

A couple of weeks ago, Taige and Tarin came to play with Malachi since he was all by himself. They did alright together. Taige wasn't quite used to playing with Malachi, but since Zach and Logan were gone, he did fine.





Malachi and Tarin enjoyed the tractors across the street where they are working on the building and lot.


And, here is a cute picture of Malachi once again on the floor where he usually ends up in the mornings.


And, now. . . .on to the day of nothing planned which could become busier than a day where we actually did have something written down. :)