Countdown until Wedding

Last weekend, as we were grieving the loss of my grandfather, we also had a LOT of wedding stuff to get done! Right now, I think we are 7 days away from it, so 2 hours off of pain medicines today, I'm hobbling around the house trying desparately to get some cleaning done so the house can really fall apart next weekend.

Here is Jarin (can you see the stress) as they were up until about 2am (we left at midnight though) putting ribbons in programs. Ah. . . .

It's not the best picture of the programs, I'll get more at the wedding, but it is kinda neat. Her colors are pink (hot pink almost) and teal green with black accents. Thank goodness my dress is black. I'm not sure I'd make it all day in a hot pink dress!

And so, buttons were hot glued onto bubble containers, the party favors (coasters) were all assembled with thank-you notes AND ribbons were neatly placed in the programs to tie them together. Tarin had the right idea though:

And here is the nice little assembly table (can you see the forced smiles):

I'm working on remembering this week. Last week was a difficult week to have my head screwed on correctly, so I'm making notes this week to remember- I'm ordering breakfast the morning of the wedding, fixing a small lunch and then in charge of writing down all the gifts the next day. And, this week, I need to think of a nice little toast for the couple. Ah. . . . it's work as always on a weekend.

Good News!

Malachi is starting to feel better! Shawn's tests came back yesterday (early) and looked good- according to the patient's test results, there is nothing bad that Shawn could contract, which is a huge answered prayer! (Thank you Lord!)

Malachi spent most of last week sick on and off, which is where I took these pictures:

No matter how sick he is, he LOVES Baby Einstein!

I had some doctor's appointments this afternoon and needless to say I'm in incredible pain tonight, which is why I'm not posting much and I'm headed to bed early and more than likely for all weekend! I'm on a VERY high dose of antibiotics (which I've been forewarned will have negative and not-so-fun side effects) and a nice prescription of perkosit (I KNOW that is spelled wrong, but right now I could care less) which I really hate taking any medicine at all or ever, but will be a nice saving grace should I need it when my other medicines wear off. UGH! It's been a week! At one of the appointments, it was reaffirmed to me how incredibly lucky I am to have had 3 wonderful children. I truly am blessed to have been given the little miracles, no matter how insane they drive me sometimes. So, more good news for the day!

Malachi's Birthday Pal

I found out I was pregnant last summer and could hardly contain my excitement, especially when I saw one of my friends at the doctor's office shortly after I found out. She told me that she found out she was pregnant and due a week after me (April 1st and I was due March 23rd), so I figured if she was telling, it was okay for me to tell her that I was also due at that time. It was exciting, more so for her since it was her first.

We met at Emporia while we were in our teaching methods classes and she started teaching in my district a year or two before I did. We had chatted a little during inservices and get-togethers, but not all that much. Then, when we found out we were pregnant and due around the same time, we started to email each other pretty regularly and even got together for some afternoon cravings & chat! :)

The last time we got together, we were both fully pregnant and I told her that I would more than likely be going sooner than later as Malachi was shifting positions and they were going to try a procedure that would more than likely set me into labor. And, I was FOR SURE that I was having a girl, while she was FOR SURE that she was having a boy! :) So, when Malachi decided to arrive 2 weeks early, to our surprise, I gave my friend a call that afternoon to tell her the wonderful news. She seemed a little alarmed that I was calling because she was busy with her newborn!!!! She had a doctor's appointment the night before and they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat very well, so sent her straight to the hospital to induce since the baby would be at risk. So, she had been in labor all night and had her little girl (surprise, surprise) that morning, about 2 hours before Malachi was born! And, she was in the room right beside us!


Last week, for the first time since they left the hospital, Malachi got to meet his birthday pal. As you can see, she's so adorable! And, she's much more advanced than Malachi- she's walking and eating much more than he does. But, that's alright for him to stay my baby a bit longer.

Getting Even?

Today I recieved a beautiful arrangement of flowers from some of my dear friends- true friends that I can just tell them almost anything. It was sitting on my desk, and of course, provoked many questions from my students. I hadn't told my students about my grandfather passing, because 1) I wasn't strong enough to talk about it or even really admit it without getting tears and 2) many of my students would not really understand and many questions would arise that I wasn't sure I could answer, and were more for their family to explain anyway.

So, today when the flowers were sitting on my desk, one of my students asked about it and I told them that my friends had sent those to me to make me cheer up since my grandfather died. They got a very sympathetic face and said, "my grandpa died a couple years ago too, so I guess we're even now!"

"Yep! I guess we're even!" Its the smallest kid things that cheer me up and make me think how much I love my job, even in the hardest times.

Surviving

Today was Grandpa's funeral and it was difficult, but also comforting to be around so many people that shared so many fond memories of him. And, it was a difficult day so my eyes are burning right now and I'd like nothing more than to head to bed and veg out like I did last night, but I have 3 boys that seem to think they'd like to do otherwise.

Tomorrow will be another early morning to head to school. I REALLY wanted to take today and tomorrow off to just have time to "re-cap" and actually spend time with family as well as do some real grieving, but it seems as time off is very difficult to get and I'm made to feel like a bad teacher should I not go to school unless it is impossible, so I'll be there tomorrow, but it will be hard and its one the the first days I'm really not looking forward to it. Hopefully my kids are well-behaved tomorrow and we'll get through the day just fine.

Tonight, I'm so very thankful for my true friends that have cared by texting, calling, or sending cards and as last year when Logan went through his surgery (that was successful by the way) and it was a trying time for me, I felt so much stress, but I certainly learned who my true friends were and it's so nice to know that many of them are the same right now. I know I analyze things too much sometimes, but that's how I learn from them and I'm certainly understanding more about relationships and caring from the compassion I've been shown throughout the past few days, so if you should be one of those true friends- THANK YOU! Although words never can completely heal the pain, they are so comforting at a time like this. And, I apprecite you for have courage to call me and chat and let me cry and be grumpy.

Here are so pictures not related at all to this post, but they do make me smile. They are from the boys' cousin's birthday party a few weekends ago. They went bowling and it was a blast for Zach & Logan.

Veggin'

We just returned home from respect calls and I must admit- no tears! Tomorrow however will be a different story. My boys were pretty good, all things considering and they didn't ask too many wierd questions that I wouldn't be able to answer. My eyes are tired as I've been up since 4:30am and am completely exhausted. There was a packed place the entire night and crowds wear me out. It doesn't help that there are over 100 of us just immediate family!

So, I'm off to bed before a short work day tomorrow and then the funeral. I'm dreading it, but it must get done and over with so we can start the healing process. It just all seems so unreal to me still! And, as I lay in bed tonight just veggin out, I'm thinking it's SOOO ironic that we have over 10+ boxes of girl scout cookies sitting on my dresser, calling my name. Good thing I didn't make a new years resolution or it'd be out the window in the amount of time it'd take to rip open the box. Peanut butter patties are calling my name and right now, I'll have a tad bit of comfort food- yes, I'll admit that! Chocolate, peanut butter . . . what more could I ask for? Besides a little happiness on such a dreary past few days. Thank God for my family and my kids though as they give me the joy and fresh perspective.

No pictures tonight. I'm sure you all know what Girl Scout cookies look like, so no need to take a picture of the wonderous delights before I chow down. Yum! :)

The Craftsman

Today, Grandpa's obituary was in several of the local newspapers. It has been a rough, yet very refreshing weekend. We went up to my parent's house Saturday afternoon for supper and drove over to Grandpa's house to pick my mom up to come home. While the day had been somber for us, we (my sister and I) were not as prepared for the crying that was yet to be done again. But, the stories that were told and the memories we said were helpful in remembering what a great person he was.

In the obituary, it spoke of what a craftsman and giving person my grandpa was. He was a schoolteacher, that was very dedicated to the learning of his pupils. He taught us several old-fashioned tricks that he used to use in his classroom to motivate and inspire students. And, as one of the last one-room-schoolhouse teachers in the state, he, of all people, knew how to individualize instruction. You have to be able to individualize when you have 5 year olds up to teenagers. And, he told us endless stories of how things used to be and sometimes added a bit of fiction to make the stories more lively.

During our July family celebration, the kids made ropes with grandpa. He was well-known at the local schools by small children as a "rope-maker" and as grandchildren, it was fun to pick out our favorite colors of twine to spin together and make a rope of our own. Now-a-days, kids don't have as much of a use for ropes, but when I recieved mine as a kid, I had my own sheep, cattle and horses to be using the rope with.


Here is Grandpa with my 3 boys, Taige, and my aunt Laurie.


Here Grandpa is with Zachary on his 2nd birthday.



One of the most interesting things and most devastating was that we were supposed to and planning on spending yesterday (Saturday) with grandpa. As his 13 kids started talking, they realized that before Grandpa passed away from a massive heartattack, he had called MANY people the days prior AND had finished his already started projects. It's amazing how it almost seemed like he knew his time was approaching.

(Me recieving a lamp on my 5th birthday! Wasn't I cute!?)

When I was 5 years old, my grandpa made me a lamp. It was almost a rite-of-passage to recieve the Pacey lamp. Of course, as the family kept growing and got bigger, not all grandkids recieved a lamp. However, as a huge book-lover, I used my lamp almost everyday growing up, as I read into the wee hours of the night. Since Zachary is just like I was, a bright little good reader, and 5 years old, it was his turn to get his own lamp, but he was going to help make it! Grandpa was going to help him make it a few weeks ago, at the beginning of January, but it was a busy weekend and more company than just us was at the house, and Grandpa had hurt his shoulder, so I promised him that we'd be back in a couple of weekends to have just him and Zachary spend time making a special lamp. Grandpa called Shawn Wednesday night and told him that he'd laid out the wood to make the base of the lamp and had set things out for Zachary to come and work in the amazingly big workshop (whole basement).

(My lamp almost 21 years later, still used almost every night.)

So, yesterday, as I was hugging my aunts and crying with them, I was so deeply saddened that time could not stand still for just a few days. Why did I wait so long to take Zachary back to get the lamp made? Why? Why? Why? And, in fact when I told Zachary about grandpa's death, he got really mad and said, "No! He can't be dead! He can't go to heaven because we were going to make a lamp tomorrow!"


It was incredibly sombering and humbling to be in grandpa's house yesterday. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of the grief, but as the tears fall, it seems to make it a little easier. Tomorrow (Monday) is respect calls and then Tuesday afternoon is the funeral. I'm praying that I can make it through the next couple of days with a strength that holds my own boys up as they struggle to understand it as well.

Number 23

The shock of my grandfather's death is sinking in. Its still really raw and feels as if time has just stopped! I couldn't help but think about the passing of my grandmother 3 years ago. I remember it so very clearly and this story is very applicable to what happened today.


February 21st, 2004 I attended a professional development session for my district in which they fed us lunch. About half way through the afternoon, I felt my stomach starting to gurgle and tried to suppress the feeling until the meeting was over. However, I knew I had an appointment in Manhattan that evening right afterwards so I would need to ignore the "sick" feeling a bit longer. As I drove toward Manhattan, the feeling got worse until I started throwing up AS I WAS DRIVING! because I was in the middle of the road construction and there was NO place to pull over! UGH! And since it didn't stop and I didn't know when it would stop, I called my principal that evening and asked for the next day off of school.


February 22nd, 2004, we awoke to the news of Shawn's grandmother passing away. As he didn't really know his grandmother much and because there was still a little static in the family, the grief was taken over more with stress about what to do. Later in the day, we got a phone call that my cousin's husband had been in a terrible car wreck that went head-on into a semi on the icy roads of Iowa. While he would have been just fine, a laptop in the backseat flew up and injured his brain, causing severe damage. (See his story here.) Ok. That was a huge blow because we were praying he would overcome the doctor's predictions and be the same funny guy we knew him as. And as my sick day progressed with the terrible dark cloud of bad news looming over us, I was unprepared for even more! That evening, my great uncle had passed away suddenly of a heart-attack as he was traveling on his way to a funeral! It was shocking and just too much for that day! I started out physically weak and ended up stronger physically yet incredibly weak emotionally!


Shawn worked that night at the hospital so I didn't get to talk to him much, but he said something to me that I'll never forget. "Stuff happens in 3's, you know." Ok. We are not supersticious people. We know and believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a time and reason for everything even if we don't know what that might be. So, I kinda blew him off, but then I thought about it and he said, "well, we're done for awhile. We had our 3 things." But, as I thought about it, I realized that we did have our 3 things but my family only had 2. Until the next morning- my mom's mother who had been ailing for quite awhile, yet was still very upbeat and "with-it" passed away suddenly at her home. I remember getting the phone call at school. I was subbing in a classroom and was called out for a phone call. I remember that I didn't feel good and didn't want to go to school, but didn't want to stay home and have more bad news either. Sure enough, February 23, 2004, my grandmother passed away, one of the hardest days of my life so far. I was 23 years old at the time


So, what does this long and drawn out story have to do with the pain of losing yet another grandparent, well I stayed home from school today because Malachi was still very sick! Thankfully, he's getting better and starting to keep a little bit down- enough to stay hydrated enough. And, today is the 23rd. And while I don't read horoscopes or play the lottery or even believe in the lucky number thing (although if I did, it would be 7!), I find it oddly amazing that grandpa was called to heaven on the 23rd of this month, grandma was called to heaven the 23rd of February, my birthday is the 23rd of march, my baby brother's birthday (who was the closest of all of us children to my grandparents) is April 23rd. Interesting and also unforgetable!


As I will post in tomorrow's post this tradegy is hard to deal with right now, especially since we were so close to grandpa. Thankfully, grandpa knew how to preserve history as best possible in the way that he wrote many books with his famous stories in them and he hosted many family get-togethers where we took plenty of pictures to create long-lasting memories.

We found out the funeral will be on Tuesday afternoon, which will be after the exact same kind of meeting that I attended the day that started the downward spiral of events with Grandma's passing.

Another Joins the Angels

Laurence Glen Pacey

November 7, 1922- January 23, 2009

A loving husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, teacher, story-teller, lamp-maker, rope wrangler, card player, friend. Rest in peace grandpa! We love you and miss you!

Musical Malachi

I wrote the title for this post before today since I try to upload pictures all at one time. However, if I wrote it today, it would be "Sick Malachi". Right now, he has a 102 fever and is coughing everytime he eats to the extent that he throws it all right back up. He's exhausted and just almost lethargic. He's such a cuddle bug and has wanted to be held all day. Thankfully, Shawn was home all day with him. I'll be home all day tomorrow with him. UGH! I hate feeling terrible about taking off work and I feel terrible for being a mom that worries about taking off work. I'm so torn between being a good teacher and being a good mom - they both carry such a huge legacy. I hope my students (and coworkers) will understand and forgive me though.

This picture I'm sure represents what much of today consisted of, although it was taken on Sunday afternoon. Naptime is always nice!

In relation to the title of this blog, Malachi has inherited my musical ability or love of music. He LOVES our piano. Zachary's been working on our starter books, but I think he'd do much better if I wasn't his teacher! :) I love playing songs and making my own tunes. I'm not the best, but I do really enjoy playing the piano and I hope my boys will grow up learning to play because music really can enhance many things in their lives.

He gets so excited to play the piano.

And, to end with, he found daddy's rubix cube. Shawn learned to solve this in about 5 minutes. Zachary loves messing it up for him to watch him solve it. Here is Malachi making a face like I would if I were asked to solve it.

I don't have the patience or persistance.

But, he's a happy camper! :) (These were taken last week. This is NOT his smile tonight. We haven't seen a smile tonight. And as I'm blogging Shawn's again holding him while his violently throwing up. It's hard to watch and listen to. I'm going to go cuddle with my Malachi.)

Have a good evening! :)

Energy

I debated on what to title this post, but one word comes to mind when I think of Logan and that is ENERGY! He is a ball of energy! His mind is no different than his body and his language is very expressive & funny at times. This morning he said something that I just have to share:

To give a bit of background- we have filtered water in our refridgerator rather than on the door thinking it would be less tempting for kids to press the button if they had to open the whole door first. Well, Zachary and Logan are very self-sufficient in getting themselves water to drink. Logan however likes to stand in the fridge while he drinks his water, which really annoys us not to mention wastes energy. So, this morning we tried to talk with him about it:


Shawn: "Logan, you need to get your cup, open the fridge, push the button for water, close the fridge and then drink your water."


Me: "Shawn that was WAY too many steps for a preschooler to understand." "Logan, you need to shut the door before you drink your water."


Logan: "But mom (in a very exasperated tone), if I shut the door, I'll get scrunched in!"

Inauguration Day Makes History

Okay, I'm SURE I spelled the title wrong which is a HUGE, MAJOR, no-no for me! I hate misspellings, but tonight I'm just too tired and lazy to do anything about it such as look it up! :) The inauguration today was amazing! It doesn't matter what political affiliation or who you voted for- it was a historical day and it almost felt magical. As much as I LOVE my plan time so I don't have to take a huge work-load home, I skipped it today since it was during the viewing of the speeches and oaths. It was well worth it and I'm glad I used my time wisely! :)


Prayers are being said for our new President- Barak Obama- as he starts one of the hardest jobs ever. I really am not sure why anyone would want to be president as it comes with such an overwhelming amount of challenges and hardships. But, just like the profession I choose, it probably is very rewarding intrinsically knowing that somewhere you're making a difference even if it's not immediately or tangible. So, prayers to you President Obama today and the rest of your presidential days as we pray for you to be filled with knowledge & guidance that will forward a movement towards peace and humanity.

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On a lighter, more family-oriented note, I LOVE dressing my boys in matching or coordinating outfits. Well, obviously some people are well aware of that and have given the boys some outfits for Christmas. Zachary and Logan were wearing their new Nike sweats outfits from their Aunt & Uncle. Malachi had a red one, but he was still asleep the morning this was taken.

Logan and Malachi's babysitter gave them matching outfits for Christmas, which I had them wear today. Logan's was size 4T since he's almost 4 years old and Malachi's was a 12 months outfit. Now, if you remember a couple days ago, I was saying how Logan was "about" the size of a one year old. Today made that more clear as he choose the wrong pile of clothes to put on. It really didn't look all that bad besides the pants being about 4 inches too short- except for with his stylish Thomas snow boots! :)

Prayer Request

Today at work, Shawn was taking out a patient's IV and it dropped so the cord splurted blood into Shawn's face, which some got into his eye. He immediately washed it out with water, but then I guess they ran a radiation test or something and noticed that he had radiation in his eye, which is directly from the blood of the patient's. So, he had blood tests ran today and will have them run in 3 months and than again in 6 months to rule out HIV, hepatitis or any other blood-borne diseases. It was a scary time for us today as we have certainly realized that his occupation, like all others, is not without risks. And, we never know what the future holds nor do we have control over some things. And, so, what's happened has happened and it doesn't change a thing besides we will pray a bit more diligently that in 2 weeks when we get the test results both of Shawn and of the patient's, they will rule out all major diseases and we can breathe a sigh of relief and gratefulness. But for now, I ask you to please keep Shawn in your prayers that thes test results will come back absolutely fine.

Frustration

The other evening, Shawn and I were up late (okay, 9pm counts as late for us!) and a show called "Mystery Diagnosis" was on TLC (The Learning Channel). It often showcases people that go through journeys with medical conditions that are hard to figure out by doctors because they are rare or mistaken for something else. Well, Sunday night, there was an "episode" about a tiny baby boy that from the moment he was born was irritable, fussy, and cried all the time. He had violent vomiting and diarrhea for an infant and doctors kept shrugging it off as a virus or food allergy. Besides the vomiting, the case sounded extremely like Logan's- a very fussy, inconsolable, sick baby that doctors were simply ignoring the parents. I really felt empathy for those parents and Shawn and I both kept saying how mad it made us that we were made to deal with stuff for so long with Logan. It was unacceptable, yet as parents trying to do our very best, we didn't know what else to do.


Most of you know Logan's story and I don't have enough time or energy to relive all that, but what really burdens us these days is the guilt we feel sometimes for not "firing" his pediatrician sooner. We both also struggle with anger sometimes over what we went through with him and how little we were helped and were even ignored or shrugged off as over-protective or over-reactive parents. When Logan was born, he immediately was a different child than his older brother. He came out screaming with a vengence that we had never seen before. He was inconsolable and spent much of his hospital time in the nursery because he simply exhausted us with his wailing and fussiness. His pediatrician at the time put him on a medicine to fight off infections and would tell us that that was the reason he was so fussy because the medicine was making his stomach irratable. And, when asked questions, he didn't have any straight-forward answers for us or even refer us on. Finally when Logan was about 6 months old we started seeing the specialists that were giving advice in his case.


As most of you know, Logan's medical records became "LOST"???? in the midst of all these questioning times and that was when we realized that his doctor did NOT have the right objectives in treating Logan or he was WAY over his head and not humble enough to admit that he certainly didn't know what to do. And, looking back at the medical records that we are lucky enough to have, there is just an overwhelming amount of frustration and guilt that rushes over us as we again question if we did or are doing the right things. We have NO idea why Logan's gone through what he has, but it just seemed a little odd (looking back) that our neonatologist was painting an incredibly grim picture whereas when Logan was born, his ped doctor acted like he was a perfectly fine baby. He never once listened to us and how Logan was so much different than a normal baby. I thank the doctors up at Children's Mercy for really putting into perspective some of Logan's issues.

So, a couple weeks ago, Logan needed help in the bathroom to clean himself up. So, when he bent over, I saw a LARGE (size of my fist) dark bruise over the area where his kidney was AND it was on the left side kidney which has been known to be the worse of the two. As much as I wanted to panic, we had it so instilled in us from the moment he was born to NOT over-react and to not worry about things. What was weird was the fact that we could NOT see the bruise very well as Logan took a bath or was running around the house in the middle of changing clothes, so we hadn't noticed such a large bruise. But, when he bent over, it was VERY noticeable and I wasn't as concerned until Shawn told me that it was directly over the area that his kidney was, so like a normal, caring mom, I became a little worried.

Below are Logan's kidney scans when he was first born (vertical pics) and when he was 4 months old (horizontal pics). As you can see, a normal kidney would have just an outline of black to define that space, but his kidneys both had fluid in them, the left more so than the right, which was what caused so much ruckous before he was born.


So, upon watching this show about parents going through about the same thing, and researching some more, and the bruise on the kidney, I weighed Logan on our scales- he weighed 25 pounds! To put that in perspective a little bit- he's about 36 inches tall and weighs a little bit more than some one year olds! Usually when kids turn about a year old, they weigh 20 pounds, sometimes before a year old and sometimes a few months afterwards. And, since the kidneys play a key part absorbing important vitamins for growth, I'm wondering if we should do something more or have a renal test done again to see if his kidneys are getting better or functioning better than we were told they were.

We have a WONDERFUL doctor right now that has Logan in his care and he knows what we've been through in regards to losing records and going through frustrating times with the ped doctor. So, I'm wondering whether to let it rest and just be thankful that things are as normal as can be or should I raise concern based on the vague memory that a doctor told us a few years ago that Logan should have renal scans done every year to monitor the function- but . . . . somehow that information got LOST in the records as well as other vital information that pertained to the management of Logan's care. And, as Logan got so many new clothes for Christmas and is approaching another milestone birthday- YEAH 4 years old- it's becoming so much more noticeable that his size and weight difference isn't much more than his 10 month old brother.

Some say I think way too much, but I know that God entrusted these kids to Shawn and I to take care of them to our best of our ability and I'll be darned if I fail at that! Our kids haven't had a voice and for the first 3 years of Logan's life, I had to battle and fight for him to get the treatment that he needed to make him better (which thank the Lord, he is doing SOOOO wonderfully today!). So, I'm off my soapbox and theraputic writing for tonight. I'm hoping things become more clear and it becomes more obvious. I'd like for a doctor to just show us pictures of his kidneys now and say, "don't worry! these are perfectly normal! he'll have no problems the rest of his life with this." until then, I always have a hint of suspicion and worry that just maybe something might go wrong.